Revelation of the Week: Equal Access

Throughout this week, and a few prior, the term “access” kept finding its way into my conversations. I’d be talking with someone about this thing and to another about that thing; yet no matter the situation or person, I’d say, hear, or think of the word.

By definition, access means a variety of things. Let’s take a look at a few. It can mean:

1. a means of approaching or entering a place.
2. an attack or outburst of an emotion.
3. obtain, examine, or retrieve (data or file)
4. permission, liberty, or ability to enter, approach, or pass to and from a place, or to approach or communicate with a person or thing.
5. freedom or ability to obtain or make use of something
   

For quite some time, I’d spent time praying to God concerning a specific matter, and just moments ago, He allowed me to see Him in a new light.

Much of the revelation God gives me, though it comes in many forms, often stem from relationships I’ve had with family, friends, personal, business, and the like. There was a particular relationship, that had been blossoming for a number of months for me. Where the two of us stood, with one another, was still being decided; but I had an idea of where I wanted things to go.

It was quite exciting. I felt many things, in getting to know this young man; Intrigue, security, challenge, inspiration, motivation, just to name a few. It seemed the more vested I became, the broader the pathway to my heart, mind, and soul became. So much so, that I began to think, “If only, he knew just how much access he has to me.”

Though it took some time, to profess such things, God patiently waited for the perfect opportunity to teach me yet another lesson in Love. At the utterance of that statement, my mind began to wonder. I thought of all the ways, this guy had been granted access into my life.

I love imagery, so let’s give a metaphoric example of what I mean.

Have you ever played a game? In this game, there are certain aspects of each level that is locked, hidden, and are outside of your reach. For each treasure, (which is what you’d typically find) you have to either:

1. Discover and Take the secret passageway
2. Defeat the enemy, who is holding captive the very thing you’re in search for
3. Obtain a specific amount of a certain item to exchange for that treasure

There are many other ways, in which games, grant access to “Legendary” creatures, “Hidden” treasures, or “Bonus” features. Anyhow, to me, he’d successfully gained access to many of the things I’d kept hidden from all others. What was most shocking, however, was the fact that with him, I wasn’t afraid. I was open to the closeness with him. I was willing, although apprehensive at times, to embrace it and him. So much so, that a deeper longing began to awaken.

I began to long intimacy with him. I wanted to know him. I wanted to be around him. I cherished the days we did spend together, and when he was away I reminisced over the things we talked about. I looked for ways to be more available to him. I searched for ways to be helpful. Not only that, but I also looked for ways I could be a distraction or hinderance to him. What I truly desired was to genuinely get to know him and be there for him, even if that meant to not be there.

The more time passed, the greater my desires became; and the greater my desires became, the more I began to understand. I could literally see, that though I’d opened myself to him, he was totally oblivious to just how much. Maybe, he wasn’t. But from my perspective, I believe had he known just what doors had unlocked before him, he would have moved differently.

As these thoughts kept coming, God began to unscramble the point. I began to understand beyond my own thoughts. Suddenly, things began to make sense. I vividly remember God placing me in that young man’s position, and himself in mine. Though we know His love and intimacy is perfect, He used me to exemplify Him, simply because I knew the beauty awaiting him, had he chosen to walk through the doors that were no longer unlocked.

Granted, though I realize, such things are more subjective than objective, and people have the choice to decide what they find beautiful, of value, and beneficial to them; I’m solely speaking from a place of personal experience, thought, and revelation. So don’t hear (read) what I’m not saying.

It was and has been my desire, for that young man to not just realize such access, but to also accept and willingly take hold to what that means. For him to explore and navigate through the complexities of love and grow with me, no matter where it might lead us. I waited patiently for the moments he would notice. Sometimes I would drop little hints and clues to certain aspects of the process, hoping he’d catch hold of them. However, whether he did or not, accepted it or not, I allowed it to be his decision without interference.

It was and has been quite difficult to endure. Especially when your truest desire, is to respect and honor someone’s ability to choose.

Even as I type, I keep understanding more of the nature of God’s love and kindness. His ability to be patient and merciful. His persistence and dedication. Everything about the pursuit of and giving of one’s love. God reminded me, how I hadn’t fully embraced the access I’d been given, as His. That there were things I was privy to because He’d claimed me, as His own, at the moment I believed the Word of Truth.

He began to remind me of the doors that had been unlocked to me, but still went unrecognized and left closed. He reminded me of the gentle nudging He’d given me to go deeper into intimacy with Him, and that in doing so, there was revelation and insight into things I didn’t previously have. He opened my mind to conceptualize the beauty of wonder and imagination. In the tiniest way, he communicated a portion of His desire for me.

Can you relate? Has there ever been someone in your life, who’d obtained favor with you and didn’t know it? Has someone walked into your life and found many of the secret things of your life, but it didn’t scare you? Have you ever just wanted to purely give your time, affections, and attention to a specific person and they’re unaware?

If you have, use that experience how God unveiled it to me! Swap places with the person of your interest and allow God to be you. Can you in the smallest way, see now just a fragment of His desire for you to come closer?

There are so many things to unpack with how I felt, but when I was placed in his shoes, I could also think of many things that garnered restraint!

Things such as:

1. Fear
2. Previous experiences
3. Lack of Confidence
4. Feelings of unworthiness
5. Feeling unprepared/not ready
6. Unwillingness to let go of old comforts
7. Failure

If this is true for you too, listen to the words of Scripture, God’s Word to Joshua (1:9)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified or dismayed (intimidated), for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -AMP

I know there are millions of uncertainities and reasons as to why not, or the traumas of “the past,” but if GOD HAS TRULY SPOKEN, you only need 1 reason as to why!

Hold on. He does care for you!

Confession:

It all started with a dream I had a few nights ago. It was a long dream, but the part in particular that I’m referencing I will share now.

“As I walked outside, toward what looked like a barbeque, there was an instrumental playing loudly. Immediately, I began to sway to the melody and recognized the song. Moments later, I began to sing these words…..

“You told me what you wanted
I gave you what you need
I told you that I love you
Make it good for you and me
And I never make a promise
That I can’t keep
That ain’t me”

Sound familiar? To some yes, to others maybe not so much. In 1996, R&B group, Dru Hill, released this song titled, “Never Make A Promise.”

Back to the dream……..

“It was nostalgic. I felt the music. It resonated with me. Shortly afterwards, I found myself in a discontent state of mind. My brother Dede and I were discussing a topic. I was saying something on the lines of, “Why?” “Why not now?” and another. Then he looked me directly in my eyes and said these words, “I Dare You to Wait on the Lord.”

After waking up, those lyrics replayed in my mind continuously. I remember feeling gratitude upon waking up. God had reminded me of His Character! He had reminded me of who He had been and who He was in my life. As I prepared for the day, I continued singing the lyrics, even aloud; then a sudden desire to research the lyrics overcame me. I grabbed my phone and searched google.

As I read the words, the same atmosphere in the dream permeated. However, I knew some parts of the song were irrelevant. As I scrolled to the bottom of that page, there they were. The words to the broken chorus I’d been singing. Much to my amazement, the final words coincided with my dream. They were:

“If I make a promise to you
Then baby that’s what I’ll do
I have nothing to lose
I give my whole world to you
(I’ll never make a promise that I can’t keep)
I’m a man of my word
For you I’m always concerned
That you’ll never be hurt
It’s for better or worse
(I’ll never make a promise that I can’t keep)”

An outburst of laughter and joy escaped my heart and filled to room. I was astonished, and still am.

In such a beautiful way, God was reminding me not only to wait on Him, but to trust His intentions towards me. The portion of the song that read “I’m a man of my word, for you I’m always concerned that you’ll never be hurt, it’s for better or worse,” comforted me.

Sometimes it can be hard to wait patiently on God’s timing and even harder to trust in plans that you don’t even know. Especially because we live in a society that thrives on self-reliance and dependency. But even though that may be the case, I’m reminded of two scriptures.

Jeremiah 29:11 (AMP)

“For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, ‘says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.“

and

Isaiah 40:30-31 (AMP)

“Even youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, but those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] will gain new strength and renew their power; they will lift of their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising towards the sun]; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not grow tired.”

No matter the situation your up against, no matter the distress you feel; whether anxious thoughts or hasty behavior, be at peace and take heart knowing God is not only able, but also willing to prosper you. His overall desire, for you, is to delight in you. He loves to love you. He loves to reveal Himself to you. He loves everything about you. Not just that, He has already purposed, in His will, to give you an unyielding hope and glorified end.

Psalm 27: 14 reads,

“Wait for the Lord be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.”

Lastly, have an assurance that your waiting is not in vain! Have an assurance that God is faithful. Have the faith that says, to doubt, “My God is good.” Remind anxiety and worrying, that they are beneath you, and that your wait has purpose. Seek to find God in all aspects of what it is that you’re waiting for. Take advantage of the moments that you are enduring and see if you can find lessons. Each part of this journey that we are all on, cultivates proven character and established hope.

No matter the voices around you, be it inner, the voice of friends/family, or your own, be steadfast, unmovable, and always abounding in the Words of the Lord.

Peace and blessings my friends. May we all, press towards the mark of our high calling, which is found in Christ Jesus, as Paul said, counting these light afflictions as joy, knowing that our end is far greater than it’s beginning.

Confession: I almost didn’t do it!

Just the other day, I had a desire to just get up and go to the local park. I was frustrated and couldn’t gather my thoughts at home, so I decided I’d change my scenery and pray. What’s funny, however, is that I never considered that the Holy Spirit was leading me there.

When I arrived, I slipped on some comfortable shoes and headed to a random park bench. The journey there, I repented for my frustrations, and inquired with God on how I could best help in the current situation. I talked the whole way there, and the entire journey from the car to the “random” park bench. As I sat, I felt a cool breeze, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and quieted my mind. I was tired of talking, because I was running out of ways to express myself and complain.

After sitting for a while, I began to notice that I’d picked a spot seated directly in the sun. Those who know me are aware of just how much I dislike the heat. The sun’s rays were beaming down on me, and the little tree before me, only provided a small amount of shade. Though it offered some shade, the little tree’s reach, was not far enough to reach me!

Quick pause: Ever wonder why it seems almost impossible to get through to some people? Well stop and consider, they might be to far for your reach to grasp! Let that sink in.

There will be people in your life that you can’t reach! Not because God is too small, but because your reach hasn’t been fully extended to go the distance. In these cases, PRAY, and allow God to close the gap between you. Or, if He decided not to widen it, for whatever reason, remember He is GOD. He has His purposes!

Okay, back on track. I tried to tough it out, but I couldn’t. I gathered my little belongings, and began to move to the seat, in the shade. But before I could take too many steps, I felt the Holy Spirit correcting and instructing me to stay put. I stopped, turned around, and returned to my original seat. The intensity in heat didn’t change, and I became uncomfortable. I even began to question whether, the Holy Spirit really told me not to move, because it was HOOOTTT!! I closed my eyes, and asked God to send a cool breeze. When I opened my eyes, there was a steady breeze blowing.

As I looked around the park, I saw two women standing a way off talking. I could hear their voices, but I couldn’t understand what they were discussing. After I looked away, the Holy Spirit told me to get up and walk. It was my intention to go the opposite direction, but He directed me to walk towards those women. I remember thinking they’d saw me, in the distance, and would think I was being nosy if I walked over. Yet, I still went.

What’s sad is that, once my feet touched the pavement, I’d already formulated that the Holy Spirit was leading me towards them to “speak” to them. He didn’t say anything. I slowly walked and eventually made it to where they were. The three of us made eye contact and greeted each other with hand gestures and warm smiles. It wasn’t until after, I passed them that the Holy Spirit began to speak to me! He showed me, the pride that was lingering inside of me. Though my intentions were to be obedient, the overall objective was aborted because of pride.

I’d formulated that God had something for me to say to them, and that’s why the Holy Spirit was leading me over there. I never considered that just maybe, God was teaching me a lesson. I never considered that maybe, one or both of them would “speak” to me. Because the Holy Spirit told me to go, I assumed an outcome, grieved Him, and missed the mark. Quite honestly, I was embarrassed and began to repent. Suddenly I began to hear the wind, but it wasn’t just the normal sound of passing wind. It began to sound like rolling winds. I looked around to see if anyone else could hear it or reacted to the sounds, but no one did. Then, this passage came to mind:

God’s Revelation to Elijah

¹¹ Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; ¹² and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire ^[e]a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:11-13 KJV

I believed something to be one way without relying on the Holy Spirit to reveal it to me; thus, I was unable to discern or know what God desired for that moment. Twice I heard the winds, as if they were rolling. I continued to walk around the track, and I prayed that God would humble me before Him. I prayed against pride and false humility. Then I thanked Him, for correcting me, even though it hurt. At one point, I closed my eyes, inhaled the fresh air, and prayed in the Spirit. And when I reopened my eyes, I saw something that just didn’t seem to fit. It was a coconut and an eggplant side by side underneath a scrawny tree.

The sight captivated me so, because I couldn’t understand for the life of me, why someone would just leave two random items there. I stood there for a moment, observing, and gradually moved on. As the journey continued, I began to see these tree stumps. They were aligned around the park as a barrier. I knew they were put there by the landscaper, but I was intrigued. There was the tiniest branch protruding from the stump. There was life, in a place I didn’t expect it to be. As I surveyed the other stumps, every seventh or eighth stump had a tiny branch growing out of it. I was baffled. The stumps had no roots. They were planted there for decoration purposes, so how could life emerge from something that was thought to be dead? Reluctantly I moved on, still pondering what I’d just saw.

By the time I made it to the start of the trail, I decided to sit on the bench. The breeze was nice and cool; and the way the trees swayed was a sight to marvel at. As I sat, I swayed with to the rhythm of the trees; looking up, I prayed. Peace is what I felt. Soaking in the serenity, I realized it was time to finish my lap. Immediately as I stood, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Sit back down, I didn’t tell you to move!”

Kind of embarrassed, I eased down to my seat. I tried to refocus and adjust my thoughts, but it was difficult. I hadn’t realized the things I was seeing or doing was the Holy Spirit leading me. I hadn’t acknowledged it as such. I assumed I was just walking. I believed the random distractions were just random things I’d saw. I definitely didn’t get it, but I obeyed. I even repented for moving too quickly. I searched my mind, for any inclination, of why God was leading in such a way. The more I thought, the more I questioned. I’d gotten lost inside the ramblings of my mind. Yet, I snapped out of it, nearly ten minutes later when the Holy Spirit said, “Now move!”

I know and understand that God is not the author of confusion, but I felt confused. I did not get what He was trying to do or teach me. I rose from my seat and began the journey again. I didn’t know what to think nor expect. Still, I journeyed on trying desperately to listen for the direction of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t want to miss Him. I didn’t want to move too soon or too slow. I wanted to do whatever He willed. I wanted to be aligned with Him.

Without recognizing, I’d made it back to the two women. They were standing in the same spot conversing. When I approached them, I dropped my head in recollection of what had previously occurred. A twinge of embarrassment came, and then I felt humbled. The closer I got, the more I noticed the older woman peering directly into my eyes. Again, we smiled and greeted each other. I moved passed them trying to get by without walking in between them. As I passed them, I heard the older woman say, “But there’s more…” simultaneously as the Holy Spirit told me, “Now go pray with them.”

I took a few more steps forward; I wasn’t sure if I would do it. Then I paused, turned, and walked back. There was so much uncertainty swarming my mind. I didn’t want to be rebuked again. I didn’t want to be wrong. Suddenly the older woman moved towards her vehicle. “It’s now or never!” I thought. “What are you going to do?” Without further hesitation, I spoke:

“As I was walking, I heard you say, “there’s more,” and I was prompted to come pray with you both. Would you mind if I prayed with you?”

Readily they agreed, we joined hands, and prepared to pray. Honestly, I didn’t know the words to say. So, I exhaled and said the whatever came to mind. Once the prayer was done, I didn’t linger. I felt quite weird actually. I bid them goodbye, and I continued walking. Eventually one of the ladies caught up with me and thanked me. She said that the things I prayed was confirmation for what the two of them had been discussing. I was totally shocked! I felt as if I was babbling in prayer. I only said what came to mind. It seemed not to make much since to me, but to God it made all the difference. Before that woman left, she was encouraged, and God led me to share some personal details and plans He had for her.

It was definitely an abnormal encounter. We parted ways, and immediately the Holy Spirit began to talk with me. He said, “You don’t know all the pieces that have to be put in place for these moments to occur. If you move to fast or too slow, you may miss it.” As I continued walking, I listened to all that the Holy Spirit had to teach me.

There were many lessons that were learned that day:

1. You never know to what end; the Lord will use you to accomplish His will. Just be willing and realize it may not look or sound like what you think it should. God is God. He understands, even when we don’t.
2. Be LED by the Holy Spirit; don’t try to lead Him. Those who worship God must worship in Spirit and Truth. The Holy Spirit will lead you into all truth.
3. Like the Holy Spirit taught me, you never know at which point, in the grand scheme of things, you fit in. Just know, that if God has brought you to it, you fit and He will bring all understanding, knowledge, and wisdom you need.

To me what appeared to be mindless babblings, turned out to be the confirmation someone else needed. Which, in the end, turned out to be an even more prophetic moment between the two of us. Yielding to the Holy Spirit is essential in being used by Him. For it is Him, that causes things to happen.

Zechariah 4:6 says, “Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.”

Blessings and Peace, in Jesus name… Amen

Confession: When “I” move “You” move……. JUST LIKE THAT!

Have you ever just sat and wondered where time has gone? Or, have you ever sat back and reminisced on those missed opportunities you know you should have taken? Maybe you’ve had thoughts like, “I wonder how much further along I’d be now,” or “what if this, and what if that!” Does any of this ring a bell? No??

If not those types of thoughts, what about these: “I should have known better,” “My momma told me not too go,” “Dang, how’d I even get here?” Does any of those ring a bell??

Many of us, often times, shuffle through our decisions and contemplate how things would have been for us, had we chosen differently. Especially, if the choice we did make, didn’t yield as favorable of results as we were promised, hoped for, or willed to happen. Sometimes, we even seek counsel to help us cope with the decisions we’ve made. Whether it was the decision not to go or do, when we knew we should have; or if it was the decision to go or do when we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, we shouldn’t have.

In response to such moments, we counteract with phrases like “God does things for a reason!” or “If it was meant to be, then…” and countless other anecdotes. We do so to help soften the blow that we must come to terms with. There are many scriptures to back this up! However, that’s not always the case, when you are not aligned with the will of God. It is not the case either, when you move outside of God’s instructions, or you will an answer from God, that’s not His response. You might believe, He’s not speaking, but it might just be that you haven’t gotten close enough to hear Him clearly. You might wonder why, because you can’t see the “sense” in what He’s telling you to do, and choose to do otherwise. If you’re like me, then maybe you’re just unhappy with God’s final decision on a matter, or guidance to or from a matter, and you try to take matters into your own hands. You disagree with God. Therefore, you begin to orchestrate your plans and agendas to see to it, that things happen the way YOU want them to.

Oh beloved, what a mistake it is to move outside of the will and direction of the Holy Spirit!! Yes, for some matters and to some, there’s Grace. BUT……….. IT IS IMPERATIVE that we DESTROY the belief that God just doesn’t understand or know. We have to tear down the barriers we put in between God and ourselves. We have to settle within our hearts, this simple truth:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, saith the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Another matter we have to settle, and not just quote is, God’s intention for us is well written and established. As recorded in Jeremiah 29:11, but let’s go a little before verse 11, and way deeper and beyond it as well. The KJV text reads:

“For thus saith the Lord, That after seventy years be accomplished at Babylon I will visit you, and perform my good word toward you, in causing you to return to this place.¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.¹² Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.¹³ And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.¹⁴ And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the Lord; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.” -Jeremiah 29:10-14.

Just recently, I was reading the book of Numbers. Admittedly, I’d been stuck between chapters seven, eight, and nine for the past 3 days. In all honesty, the book of Numbers, was one of the Old Testament writings I purposefully avoided. Without prior knowledge, I’d just assumed it to be, just a chronicle of names and dates, and many other things I deemed boring in the past. I had no thought back then, that in skipping over some books in the Bible, I was missing so much beautiful content and understandings. I felt led by the Holy Spirit to dive into it; and surprisingly, without hesitation I jumped right in.

There were quite a few revelations given to me within the first eight chapters, but I want to focus on the revelation I just received while reading chapter 9. Beginning at the eighteenth verse, of chapter nine, the text reads, as according to the Amplified Version:

¹⁸ “At the Lord’s command the Israelites would journey on, and at His command they would camp. ” That in itself, is enough to speak about but let’s sojourn on further! Verse nineteen reads, ¹⁹“Even when the cloud lingered over the tabernacle for many days, the Israelites would keep their obligation to the Lord and not set out.”

WOAH, that’ll PREACH!!!

When I first read this, it gripped me deeply. Not immediately so, but gradually I began to ponder over the moments, I knowingly disobeyed the voice of God, and refused to move or to sit still. As I recalled the many moments, I began to rejoice verbally and within my soul. I wasn’t happy because the moments, “didn’t break me,” although, that is enough to rejoice about. I began to rejoice because I was approaching a season, where I would have to make the same commitment.

The frustrations of my day to day life began to mount. Discontentment set in, and I was ready to resume old patterns. I wanted to just pick up and leave, as I’d always done. Yet, because of my son Micah, that was no longer as easy a task as before. I had to wait. I had to plan. I had to prepare. I had to be ready at all costs. The thought arose, “When I move, you move just like that.” That thought is actually a lyric from a song called, Stand Up by Ludacris.

I chuckled within myself because I could remember the times of dancing and so called “vibing” to the melody of this song. Then it hit me. The revelation began to pour in.

Let’s give a little background. After God led Moses into consecrating and cleansing the Levites to assist Aaron and his sons, in the work within the Tabernacle, we began to learn more about the people of Israel’s journey through the wilderness. Most people know that He (GOD) lead the people out, by a cloud (during the day) and a pillar of fire (at night). But, the emphasis on when to set out and when not to, wasn’t as heavily explained, in my informal teaching as a child. However, now I believe, when discussing what it means to be led by God via the Holy Spirit, we MUST address this.

After coming into salvation, by the believing in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, who was born of a virgin, came down to earth, and died an undeserved death to atone for our sins; we have access to the Holy Spirit through salvation. In fact, scripture refers to Him as a gift. Let’s read that, shall we?

Luke 11:9-13 reads (KJV):

⁹ And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.¹⁰ For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.¹¹ If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?¹² Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?¹³ If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

Initially my mind began to swarm with all the possible things the Holy Spirit was conveying to me. There was so much revelation pouring in simultaneously, I grabbed my pen, and began to journal my thoughts. As I type, coming to mind, I asked God, why this passage? His response was simple, and came many days following. He said,

“My people are trying to lead the Holy Spirit, instead of being led by the Spirit!”

Let that sink in for a moment….

Now ask yourself, have I been led or am I leading?

John 16:13 of the Amplified version says this,

“But when He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth [full and complete truth]. For He will not speak on His own initiative, but He will speak whatever He hears [from the Father—the message regarding the Son], and He will disclose to you what is to come [in the future].”

There are so many “distractions,” “roads,” and “options” out here in this world that seek to steal our attention, affections, and will. It’s quite easy sometimes to give into the pressures of society, and forsake that which we know to be Truth. However, we must hold fast unto the Lord, and allow Him to direct us.

As John 14:12-18 records (KJV)”

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.¹³ And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.¹⁴ If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.¹⁵ If ye love me, keep my commandments.¹⁶ And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;¹⁷ Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.¹⁸ I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Many of us have heard the song, Stand Up, by Ludacris. In that song, the intro goes, “When I move you move, just like that.” I don’t know much of the other lyrics, but this one excerpt that was spoken to me, clearly states God’s point. The same was true and biblical for the children of Israel. The passage in numbers, referenced above is literally conveying that very message. Only move when the Spirit of God is moving! Rest when the Spirit of God rests. It’s important to notice both aspects. Sometimes we get frustrated and exhausted, because our season of rest wasn’t complete. But due to impatience, a lack of faith, and not fully trusting God we move too soon. Then when we get beat down and are on our last leg, we don’t know why! Let’s look at the rest of the passage from Numbers chapter 9:

¹⁵ And on the day that the tabernacle was reared up the cloud covered the tabernacle, namely, the tent of the testimony: and at even there was upon the tabernacle as it were the appearance of fire, until the morning.¹⁶ So it was alway: the cloud covered it by day, and the appearance of fire by night.¹⁷ And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the children of Israel journeyed: and in the place where the cloud abode, there the children of Israel pitched their tents.¹⁸ At the commandment of the Lord the children of Israel journeyed, and at the commandment of the Lord they pitched: as long as the cloud abode upon the tabernacle they rested in their tents.¹⁹ And when the cloud tarried long upon the tabernacle many days, then the children of Israel kept the charge of the Lord, and journeyed not.²⁰ And so it was, when the cloud was a few days upon the tabernacle; according to the commandment of the Lord they abode in their tents, and according to the commandment of the Lord they journeyed.²¹ And so it was, when the cloud abode from even unto the morning, and that the cloud was taken up in the morning, then they journeyed: whether it was by day or by night that the cloud was taken up, they journeyed.²² Or whether it were two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud tarried upon the tabernacle, remaining thereon, the children of Israel abode in their tents, and journeyed not: but when it was taken up, they journeyed.²³ At the commandment of the Lord they rested in the tents, and at the commandment of the Lord they journeyed: they kept the charge of the Lord, at the commandment of the Lord by the hand of Moses.” (KJV)

No matter the length of time, no matter the conditions we are to follow the Spirit of God. We are to be led, knowing and trusting that the place in which God has prepared for us is all that He promised it’d be. Situationally speaking, whether it’s a job, a relationship, a church, or so forth what is God saying? Is His Spirit resting or has it lifted? Is it time to move on or should you stay put?

How do you even know when the Holy Spirit is present? Get to know Him. Learn of His ways. Learn of the ways in which God declares the Spirit is made available to us. Learn in what ways the Holy Spirit guides and shapes us. Scripture is full of fascinating details of the Holy Spirit. Search Him out, He will show up. He will reveal Himself to you, and when He does He will take the lead. It’s okay, take the passenger seat for a change. His direction is precise and spot on. He’s the ultimate GPS (God’s Personal Spirit) in this life. He knows how to navigate through anything. He knows how to keep you from and deliver you from the enemy. His work is exact. There are no mistakes.

Trust Him! Rely on Him! Get to know Him! YOU MUST…. there’s no other way!

Confession:

Recently I was having a conversation with a close friend. Things were as they normally flowed between the two of us. It’d been maybe ten minutes into our conversation and we’d already briefly addressed how our day went, how our families were, and how work was going. We touched on the new things God was doing in our lives, and where we thought we were, in the present time spiritually and physically. After the usual formalities were over, she revealed some very personal things to me. What she spoke of was current and I could tell it was still a touchy subject for her. Yet, she felt compelled to share. Some way there was a shift and the tone of our conversation began to spiral down a slippery slope.

For a while, I listened as she spoke of some specifics within her own personal life, and finally responded. Yet, before I could finish what I was attempting to say, I was abruptly interrupted. She immediately began to defend her choices and relationship status with God, although I hadn’t questioned it. At the time, what I said that could have triggered her, I was unaware of. Still I could tell she was agitated and became defensive; and without asking for clarity or allowing me to finish speaking, she lashed out in confusion. Had she given me time to finish speaking, maybe things would have been clearer.

No matter how I tried to correct the misunderstanding, it seemed things continued to spiral deeper and deeper. Until, during our conversation, as she spoke, I decided to quiet down and and listen. I wanted to find where the problem was, so that I could fix it. So, my opinion and defenses took a backseat in the conversation, and I focused on hearing what she had to say. It was an attempt to move away from any further confusion. When it was my turn to speak again, I responded, “I understand what you’re saying, but that’s not at all what I meant.” Admittedly so, I was a little frustrated and was ready to end the conversation altogether. Instead, I took a second and then once again, attempted to clarify what I meant. Finally after much time and through many words we finally were back on the same page.

An hour or two passed by, afterwards, and I sat trying to process how things escalated to such a degree. And in doing so, this post was birth.

It’s easy sometimes to jump to the defensive side when something or someone opposes your mindset, circumstance, or experiences. Most times challenging thoughts and ideals will bring to the surface hidden thoughts and agendas towards ourselves and others. Especially when what is being said, whether true or not, is not yet ready to be received. Often times we fail to connect the dots, to our situations, when others try to relate unwanted or irrelevant experiences, personal beliefs, and suggestions to us. Thoughts such as:

“It’s not the same for me,” “What worked for you might not work for me,” “We’re not the same, situations are different,” “you don’t know the whole story,” and others often arise, in these types of conversations. However, be it true or not, there are some essential things to keep in mind when being a confidant and/or when confiding in someone else. Regardless of which seat you find yourself in, it is important to self evaluate and process each situation accordingly. Though the severity of and pressing need to express oneself may not allot time to consider such things, when offense is present, one should look back and ponder a few things.

Things to consider:

1. For the Confider: What is my goal? – Ask yourself why you are sharing this particular information with another person. What is it that you are looking to gain? Is it encouragement that you seek, sympathy, validation, release, confirmation, basic information and guidelines, etc. It is important to understand what role you wish your confidant to play, so that you are able to choose someone more compatible and able to fill that need. For the Confidant: Why am I here? What does he/she need from me? Remember, as a confidant we often times have to grapple with what basic need our friend(s) wishes to be met.
2. For the Confider: Ask yourself, “Why did I choose this particular person(s) to confide in?” We all have those specific people we seek counsel, confide in, and talk with for specific reasons. What you may share with Tonya or Todd, you may never share with Deidra or Dennis. It’s very important to understand and acknowledge the bond and connections we share with others. For the Confidant: Know your position in the relationship. Most times, we can tell what a person/friend wants from us. People are often, people of patterns. For example: I have four sisters, all of which I decide what to and what not to talk about. My sisters Kysha and Stephanie, when we talk, they tend to focus on the reality of things. They speak truth unbridled. They don’t try to spare my feelings. Because I know this about the two of them, in situations where need a softer touch, I may confide in my two other sisters Tara and Shay. Although they still speak truth, they’re a little more delicate!
3. For the Confider: Am I open and ready to hear the opinions of others? If you are just talking for release, it is important to either communicate that to your confidant; or choose an outlet that provides you with just that. Even if that’s just a mirror or pen and paper. For the Confidant: This falls in the lines of number two; knowing your role in the relationship you have with the other. If Tim, only wants to tell you stories, but never really asks you for true and sound advice; it maybe that Tim sees you as a good listener. Knowing such things will help guide you, and also alleviate any unwanted stress/strain. Don’t extend yourself further than your reach, unless it is a desperately necessary. Be advised, this does not mean, stay in a limited position in your relationship. Discern the proper moment to elevate from one outlook to the next, and then move.
4. For the Confider: Can I handle the opinion of others, without feeling negative emotions towards myself and/or them? Things such as condemnation, judgement, feelings of being misunderstood, and offense can quickly take root and fester; which can lead to feelings of resentment and regret. Always remember unchecked emotions stimulate hurt, and brews a storm of varying strengths. You must DEAL in order to HEAL. In order to heal properly and completely, you must heal to the degree at which you were hurt. For the Confidant: Know your audience. Sometimes is not necessarily “what you say,” but “HOW YOU SAY IT!” Verbal is just as key as nonverbal. Tone, body language, posture, hand gestures, and facial expressions all matter.
5. For the Confider: Do I know how to separate the person’s intent from my understanding? Are you able to discern a person’s intentions when they are trying to convey a message to you? Do they seek seek to help, console, comfort, misguide, belittle, judge, confuse, distort, puff up, and so forth? It is imperative to know (discern) the intentions or spirit of influence spear heading your and another’s words. Anything outside of the Wisdom of God, will always lead you to negatives. What negatives you may ask? ANYTHING THAT VIOLATES THE NATURE OF GOD’S CHARACTER AND HIS WILL FOR YOUR LIFE! It can sound good, but still NOT be of or from GOD. “Lest Satan should get an advantage of us, for we are not ignorant of his devices.” (2 Cor 2:11 KJV) For the Confidant: Say it, don’t spray it. Say things in love, don’t spew hate. Say things in truth, don’t add lies. Say things to help, not to confuse. If you really don’t like the person, why add fuel to the fire. WHAT YOU PUT INTO THE GROUND WILL DEFINITELY GROW AND SPREAD SEEDS; and not just into the lives of others, but also in your own. Biblically speaking, Paul wrote to the church of Galatia ” Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall reap of the Spirit.” – (Gal 6:7-8 KJV) Now what things are of the Spirit? Paul also covered this, when addressing the church of Galatia. He wrote, ” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.” (Gal 5:22-23)
6. For the Confider: Can I chew the meat and spit out the bones? Often times, especially with women, the message can be misunderstood because we simply talk too much. We can’t just say what needs to be said and leave it at that. We think sometimes we have to define or elaborate on everything. If we don’t, people won’t understand or receive it in its simplest form. We don’t want them to “take things the wrong way,” so we try to help them understand. Which can be helpful, but many times we confuse people more by doing so. Sometimes we over elaborate. Rule of thumb; say what needs to be said plainly. For the Confidant: Certain cuts of meat contain components that aren’t always edible. To some, the fat may be edible; but to others, like me, it’s only good for flavor. The bone is also inedible, but a great source of flavor. In many cases, the bone gets left in some meats and people accidently bite into them. Doing so, can choke you if you don’t spit it out. Try to keep up. In cases such as this, it can be easy to get lost in “all” the details. Find the bones. Trim the fat. Though the extra bits are good for flavor, not everything is needed. Don’t just check out though. The most important parts can be wedge in between everything else.
7. For the Confider and Confidant: Does it apply? Does the content of what they are saying relate? Either for the confider or confidant, check to make sure the information that was given, or that is about to be given is applicable to the situation. Be wise and be relevant. Discern the moment and proceed or don’t proceed.

Everyone, it is also important that to everything there is a season. Not every revelation, dream, encounter and so forth needs to be shared immediately. Other times maybe so. First and foremost, seek the Holy Spirit for His counsel. He’s here to guide us into all truth!

After that, know that friendships, Godly and right, friendships are essential to our growth. Scripture says this about connections/relationships with other people:

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 (NKJV) and also “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Provers 27:17 (NIV)

The Act of Love:

I remember back in college I wanted to understand love, romantic love. I was enamored by it. I was drawn to it. I loved everything about it, but to be honest, I’d never truly experienced it. Of course, I’d had a relationship I was very serious about. You couldn’t tell me back then, that the two of us wouldn’t make it. Although, the signs of that relationship screamed everything but longevity.

One day, in my college dorm, maybe around 2013 or 2014, I prayed and asked God to help me understand love. At that time, the relationship that I briefly mentioned was somewhat over. Apart from simple greetings, birthday wishes, and holidays we didn’t talk much; and even that was far, few, and in between. I wasn’t necessarily expecting such an immediate response, but nonetheless, His answer blew my mind.

In that moment, God likened His love for me, to how I loved my ex-boyfriend. Yet, His love was more precise, consistent, and very much so exact. There was no flaws in His love, unlike the love I had for and shared with the one my heart moved for. At times, I could say I was desperate for it. It took a while, but as that realization set in, I began to become broken. I nor he, were in no means harlots, or what we in society call prostitutes; but the story of Hosea began to ring louder than ever before. By no means, am I trying to self-righteously portray myself in a light greater than I deserve, but for this situation and from my perspective, I was the more diligent, loving, and committed between the two of us.

Since that occasion, I’ve often and almost always reflect to that revelation. God was saying to me, “The way you love him, unconditionally with no thought for your own self, and how you endlessly make yourself available to him regardless of how undeserving he seems is the same way I love you, in perfection.”  Nearly eight years later, I’m still baffled. That word perfection struck me then. I pondered for a long time, and just recently I discovered something interesting.

Perfection as we define it commonly refers to getting, doing, and being everything right. It is without failure and without mistake. However, although God’s love is without failure or mistake, and His love is righteous. It is a love, that is perfect- without void, nothing missing, nothing lacking. His love is complete, and is made perfect in us, through Jesus Christ.

Of course, my love for the gentleman, in which I’ve been referring to was flawed and full of mistakes. I never thought of it beyond so. Yet, I began to see the parallel God was making. In my mind, where the one I delighted in was concerned, if I had the ability, I would have moved heaven and earth for his sake. Countless of times, he repeatedly chose other’s affections over mine, and though it hurt me, I was just as exuberant about his small signs of affections. To me they were the same in weight as the major declarations of love he professed to me.

What I saw when I looked at him was love. I didn’t just look at his heart, I looked at his spirit and tried desperately to search his soul. I would listen to him speaking, and in the things he didn’t say I would find new ways to comfort him or encourage him. I’m sure, if he ever saw things and was asked, he’d testify of this truth. When I loved him, I loved him for as long as I could before I had to walk away. I settled with God Himself, that if I continued on in how things were, I’d lose all sense of myself, and I could not afford that. I was pouring out into him, but it never seemed as if he was pouring back into me. I began to become exhausted. I began to run empty and there was no other place I could go to regain as much as I’d given.

I began to question God shortly afterward. “How do you not run empty?” I could no longer, liken myself because I began to realize just how deep and how far God’s love stretched. In my own will, I was loving someone with every breathe I breathed. In thought, he was there. In longing, I’d never longed for anything or anyone more. In desire, he was it. To those I knew, he didn’t deserve any of it. To me however, because I’d set my desires and affections on Him, I was determined to see it through. It didn’t matter what he deserved. I knew what I saw in him. I knew that my love wasn’t going to be kindled by the opinions of others. I was determined. I’d settled within my soul against all reason to love and eventually one day be fully loved by him.

And as that revelation continued to set in, more memories came to mind. Specific instances began to resurface. Things not even he knew about, came to mind. There were times, I’d plan events, dates, or just times for us to be with together, that never occurred. Mind you, this wasn’t someone I hadn’t known. This wasn’t just a friend I had unrequited feelings for. This was towards someone who professed to love me. He was someone I’d given myself to physically, mentally, and emotional. We expressed our desires to be together. We did things, God says only a husband and a wife should. So believe me, I wasn’t living a fairytale. It was just hard to not love someone; I’d began to picture a future with.

Not only did the good moments flash before me, but all the disappointments I faced and endured came flooding in. Every moment I felt I took two steps closer, it seemed he withdrew ten steps back. The closer I wanted to be to him, the more I began to see how close he was willing to allow me to be to him. I began to feel like second best. It seemed every other option was better than me. It felt as if, I’d been deceived. Yet that feeling didn’t stop my heart from yearning. I reasoned and said often, “If only he could see, all that I have waiting for him.” Literally, I was torn. It took so many years for me truly relinquish that situation. Much prayer and fasting had to happen, and even deliverance. I had to break the soul tie, we’d created, because it was beyond detrimental to us both.

It is now 2021, and I still reflect on that revelation. New events and moments have occurred, and when I wonder “God, why do you put up with us?” I reminded of that relationship and that revelation, and I have my answer. Because of Love!

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

Though our love is imperfect in many regards, God’s love is not. He draws us away, and woos our hearts into submission through perfect Love. A construct designed from His very essence. One that is given to an undeserving, uncommitted, ungrateful, and wavering heart like yours and mine. Still, knowing all this He gives and gives repetitively, without regret. Even unto death.

The Bible says in John 15:13

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” (KJV)

Often times we are bombarded with the concepts of, “It’s a process.” Meaning, that throughout our life’s pilgrimage, there are processes at work that help guide, define, shape, and inspire purpose and God’s plan. These processes are sometimes already at work in our lives, with or without our consent; however, there are a few that only occur in direct response to the choices we make in life.

Recently, after relocating to Alabama, to refocus and regroup, my life started to come together. A newly displaced single mother, trying to navigate the complexities of motherhood, and life as a single woman. There was so much I was disappointed in myself for, because of the journey I’d chosen. The most apparent things were:

1. Having to return home.
2. Feelings of regret for the choice I made concerning Micah
3. Giving up what I thought my life should look like.

Having to return home, although I knew it was what was best, made me feel defeated. That coupled with relinquishing the plans I’d made for myself, was a pretty unsettling feeling. Especially when postpartum depression crept in. Now looking back, it seemed as if everything was heightened by my emotions to the power of ten. I was trying to overcome so much, and still look as if things already were. Though I didn’t want to admit it, the moment I stepped off the plane, there was a wave of peace that washed over me. Seeing two of my sisters standing, awaiting Micah and I’s arrival, gave me a sense of joy I hadn’t felt in a while. There was a permeating calmness and I knew things would be alright.

Mind you, when I moved home I had nothing. I hadn’t owned my own car at the time, so Micah and I had to travel by plane. That meant, not much could travel with us. Most of what Micah was blessed with, through so many wonderful people, I ended up giving away. There was no room; and in comparison to the things I had shipped, to keep those items would be too costly. It would have been easier to just repurchase once we’d gotten settled.

The day our plane landed in Pensacola, FL was January 4, 2019. We’d arrived safely. But though we were home, I’d made a vow that it wouldn’t be our home forever. So, in my mind, I had to hit the ground running. There were a few things I needed to get done rather quickly. We needed a car, I needed to find a job, and I desired to find a home for Micah and I. It was not my intention, to live with my parents for too long. I’d moved from house to house, for quite a while, and neither of those places were mine. I only borrowed space, where I could. Don’t misunderstand, I’m beyond grateful. Not many people have the privilege to know someone, or have such a relationship with others, where they can come and inhabit others’ homes freely. I was, and have always been blessed. But “to whom much is given, much is required.” (Luke 12:48).

It was now time I learnt to stand on my own two feet. I was no longer a young, care free, and ambitious woman. My status was upgraded to a matured, responsible, and dependable mother. Whatever roots I laid down, I knew it was expedient for Micah’s sake. While I looked for work, I took a part-time position at a local subway. It wasn’t technically an actual position, because I only filled in. So i guess, the proper term would be per diam. I only worked when Wendy had shortages, and got paid daily. No matter how much savings I’d had at the time, things were evaporating quickly. Expenses for Micah were sickening. He was a breastfed child, however my milk production wasn’t nearly where I wished it to be. So, when I wasn’t present, he alternated between breast-milk and a product called Nutramigen. He didn’t digest the other brands well, so when I discovered this brand, I was happy. That milk alone cost approx. fifty dollars a can. Other expenses, such as pampers and wipes, clothing, baby foods, and etc. began to pile up. Those things don’t include the basic necessities I needed for myself. I was definitely putting more out than I could gather in; and only bringing in maybe thirty dollars here and there wasn’t enough. Still I held onto the Subway position, picked up whatever shifts I could, and kept job hunting.

Late one night, I noticed that most of the better paying jobs, in my career field, were located in places that required me to have a vehicle. I remember one day, speaking with my sister Shay, about a car. It was random. So I thought. I’d been praying and “believing” for a car, since my freshman year in college. That day, she gave me some valuable information on where to look, how to conduct the search, and who to speak to. So I got online, I checked my credit score. I looked at all my accounts , to see how much money I had. I prayed and came up with a deposit value. I began looking the following days, doing research to find what I wanted or what I could afford. The intention was to get a car and to keep it, not to use it for a little while and then give it back. So I committed my time to making sure I did what I needed to. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, and by the time I started reaching out to car lots and looking seriously, I’d known the type of car I wanted and all. So I proceeded forth.

I remember, for each car sales representative I talked to, I gave them the same rehearsed line. I told them my credit score. How much of a deposit I wanted to put down, how much total I was willing to spend on my first car, and how much I wanted my monthly payments to be. Then at the end of each conversation, I ended with “If you can’t help me, don’t waste my time. I’ll go somewhere else.” The first car I looked at, in my hometown was a 2019 all black Toyota Camry. I was truly interested in that car, but when I went to inquire about it, it was driving off the lot, as the rep and I talked. I didn’t sweat it though. I had another car in mind. It was located in another town, but everything looked good to me. I’d done the research I needed and my brother, nephew, and I drove down one Saturday afternoon to see it. I went there with the mindset, “If they can’t give me what I ask for, I’ll leave, save more money, and find something else.” I was determined not to settle.

As we pulled into the car lot, there it was waiting for me. It was parked right in front of the main showroom. Brad, the salesman, met us in the waiting room, and escorted us into his office. After talking for a little while, he expressed his amazement. He was stunned at how prepared I was. I allowed my brother to test drive the car. Upon his approval, we moved forward with the process; however, Brad wasn’t trying to give me what I wanted. I looked at my brother, and stuck to my original plan. We delightfully declined, and left the car lot carless.

Before we could even make it home, my phone died. I couldn’t tell you what time it was, but nearly thirty minutes later, my brother and nephew were pulling into my mom’s apartment complex. We said our goodbyes and I went inside the house, head high and undefeated. I actually felt accomplished because I didn’t waver. As I plugged my phone into the charger, I disclosed to my mom all that happened. We talked for a while, and when my phone had gotten enough charge it powered on. There was a message from Brad, in my inbox. I opened the message, and it was him offering me a better deal on the car. Then my phone rang, and it was Brad again. The dealership was moments away from closing, but he called anyway. We talked, and I told him, I’d call him back.

I called my brother, and we discussed everything. He reckoned it was a great deal and urged me to take it. He’d even stepped up and offered to help me with my first car note, if I couldn’t find a job in forty-five days. We decided to go get the car. I called Brad, told him okay, and that we were on our way back. That night, he, the owner, and the sales woman all waited for us to return. That night, I drove off the car lot, with the car I wanted, a car note of affordable means, a $50-$80 difference from what I asked for. The down payment was exactly how I’d asked, which was paid two weeks after I got the car! Everything I wanted, and needed God made it happen.

He acted upon my faith. I didn’t just believe, I put forth all my efforts and the steps in which I was guided I took. Remember “Faith without works is dead!”(James 2:14-26)I trusted Him, and reckoned in myself to rely on Him. That day, I say again, I left the car lot with the same car I drive today. God did it. I had no job, fair credit, a $400 deposit, and sheer determination not to settle. God had the rest. A week or so later, I’d secured a great job with great benefits in my career field; and a few months later, Micah and I had our very first home together.

Back then, I didn’t understand why I needed to go home. I saw it as a sign of defeat. It wasn’t because my hometown was just that bad. It was because I didn’t want to be there. I came from a small town, and everything I’d gotten so used to was not there. I believed the lie, that it was my fault alone that I was where I was. If I could equate it to anything, back then I believed it was God’s way of sending me out of the Garden of Eden.

Oh, how I was sadly mistaken. Going home, proved to be my place of healing. It was the place, I was able to obtain a lot of biblical spiritual deliverance. It was my own cave. In the bible, often times when King Saul, would be in pursuit of David’s life, David would find refuge in a cave. I now see, my hometown, as my cave. God restored me. God protected me, and He brought me to a place of reconciliation, with my past.

I didn’t see it, and because so I almost missed God. Be encouraged. Sometimes the reasons why we experience things, is not always quite apparent. The reasons why aren’t staring you in the face, nor are they holding a huge sign saying, “Walk this way, because of x,y, and z!” Sometimes you have to press your way through all the uncertainty and doubt to actually obtain or understand the meaning behind the process.

“Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality- faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses]. ” Hebrews 11:1 AMP

The answer is EVERYTHING! What I’m about to share with you, is a dream I dreamt in college. I’d newly rededicated my life to the Lord, and shortly afterward I had this dream. I believe it is, something God wanted me to share with the Church. However, back then, in what platform and in what manner, I did not know. The time frame had to be around the year 2011 or 2012. Well nearly nine years later, in 2021 I’m sharing it. Before I do, I would like to share a few scriptures concerning how God does speak to His people through dreams.

Acts 2:17 (KJV) “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of My Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams.”

Numbers 12:6 (KJV) “And He said, Hear now My words: If there be a prophet among you, I the Lord will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.”

Matthew 2:13 (KJV) “And when they were departed, behold, the angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy Him.”

There are countless other scriptures that refer to God communicating to His people in the forms of dreams and visions. Far more than there is room on this entry to write. Others that one might consider looking up, would include the book of Revelations, which depicts John’s encounters with God via visions; God speaking to King Nebuchadnezzar via dreams and the Prophet Daniel’s interpretation thereof; lastly, the dreams of Joseph and his interpretation of the Pharaoh’s dream that helped the people of Egypt and Joseph’s family escape famine.

The Dream:

As I walked into what appeared to be a church service. There was a woman clothed in blue, praying over the multitudes. When I locked eyes with her, she was speaking in tongues and motioned for me to come forth. As I walked forward, all I remember her saying was “LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE” and when her hand made contact with my forehead, I fell to the floor speaking in tongues myself. When I’d finally arose from the ground, I was looking at a large congregation sitting before me. Some people I recognized, namely a friend Olivia; most others I did not. The size of the congregation was beyond that of a megachurch. They were all sitting neatly, side by side in the pews before me. However, everything about them, was engulfed in colors of grey. It was like one of those outer body experiences, where you could see everyone, but they couldn’t see you.

I was standing beside the very first pew. It was the only one covered in light, and a man sat there waiting for me. I couldn’t see His face, nor His form, but I knew He was a man. Light surrounded Him. As he motioned for me to come to Him, I walked and sat beside Him. He pulled me closer and wrapped His arms around me. Then He said to me, “Look,” pointing towards the congregation. “Do you think they love me?” His question scared me, so I didn’t want to answer. I said nothing. Then He asked me again, “Do you believe that they LOVE me?” still I didn’t answer. I remember not being able to think of anything, I just looked at everyone that was sitting there. Finally, He asked a third time, it was like he was letting me know it was okay to respond. “Do you think they LOVE me?” I looked up and responded:

“Well if it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is actually a chicken. Because they are too afraid of what it may cost them to love you completely.“

He looked at me and replied, “Now tell them that!” and I woke up.

When I woke up that day, I was more confused about my response than anything. I sat up in my bed wondering why I would respond as such. “Who would say something like that, to God?” is what I thought. For about a good week, I pondered on the dream and wondered if I were to take it literally or not. I wondered if it was specifically designed for me or just maybe for my group of friends.

Well many years later, I believe that God was speaking of the church in general. The congregation of people was so large and was filled with people I did and didn’t know. Why did I only recognize Olivia? After briefly studying dream interpretation, I found the word Olivia to be a reference to “the Olive Tree;” which was commonly referred to in the bible, and even by Jesus in the New Testament. Yes, there are many other meanings for the name, but in combination with the dream, the reference to the olive tree seemed more fitting. My Olive Tree, wrote on August 10, 2017 “Olive trees are mentioned all throughout scripture. They are used symbolically as peace, prosperity, beauty, and the relationship between God and His people.”

Psalm 52:8 “But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I will trust in the mercy of God forever and ever.”

Romans 11:24 ” For if you were cut out of the olive tree which is wild by nature, and were grafted contrary to nature into a cultivated olive tree, how much more will these, who are natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree.“

It was not random, that Olivia’s face was recognized. My interpretation of the dream is very literal, and back then I believe God was telling me to remind the Church of the importance of true agape LOVE. The part of my response that said, “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,” I believe God was saying that His people are only going through the motions. When looking on the surface, an outsider can be easily deceived by one’s actions because they do not know him/her performing the actions. But because it is God who tries the hearts of man, according to Proverbs 17:3, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to deceive God.

God is not moved by actions that are not provoked from fear of and love for God. Which is why, in Matthew 15:8, Jesus rebuked the scribes and Pharisees saying, “Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their hearts is far from me.”

Paul warns the church of Corinth, of mindless worship, use of the gifts of the Spirit, and so forth in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. The amplified version of the text reads, “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction]. And if I have the gift of prophesy [and speak a new message from God to the people], and understand all mysteries, and [possess] all knowledge; and if I have all [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love [reaching out to others], I AM NOTHING. if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrendered my body to be burned, but do not have love, it does me NO GOOD AT ALL.“ It’s not enough to just perform the acts. If we do not have a total and complete love, in regards to God, our acts are worthless.

When I responded, “it’s actually a chicken because they are too afraid of what it may costs them, to love you completely,” I’m reminded of the rich young ruler, of Matthew 19:16-24. It reads,

“And someone came to Him and said, “Teacher, what [essentially] good thing shall I do to obtain eternal life [that is, eternal salvation in the Messiah’s kingdom]?” Jesus answered, “Why are you asking Me about what is [essentially] good? There is only One who is [essentially] good; but if you wish to enter into eternal life, keep the commandments.”  He said to Jesus, “Which commandments?” And Jesus answered, “You shall not commit murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not give false testimony; Honor your father and mother; and love your neighbor as yourself” [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others]. The young man said to Him, “I have kept all these things [from my youth]; what do I still lack?” Jesus answered him, “If you wish to be perfect [that is, have the spiritual maturity that accompanies godly character with no moral or ethical deficiencies], go and sell what you have and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me [becoming My disciple, believing and trusting in Me and walking the same path of life that I walk].” But when the young man heard this, he left grieving and distressed, for he owned much property and had many possessions [which he treasured more than his relationship with God]. (Amplified Text)

Jesus said to His disciples, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, it is difficult for a rich man [who clings to possessions and status as security] to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man [who places his faith in wealth and status] to enter the kingdom of God.”

Let’s not misunderstand, what the text is saying. God does not despise wealth or the acquisitions of property. He, however, does require that we be not lovers of worldly things. We can neither take them with us when we leave nor stay here on earth with them. So, God requires that our full devotion is to Him and Him alone. We are not to place people, things, or any other idols above Him, because He is jealous for our affections.

My assessment of God’s overall intended message is this: It will be our fear to lose, give up, and let go of what “we think” is valuable that will hinder our progress with God the Father, Christ the Son, and His Holy Spirit. Jesus was asked by one of the Pharisees, in Matthew 22:36, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” verse 37-38, “And Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. “

I know this passage is flowing with scripture, as it should be. Though that is the case, I will leave you with one last passage from the bible to ponder.

Matthew 7:21-29 (KJV)“Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it. And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine: For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.”

It is my hope, that we as the Body of Christ, take inventory of ourselves. With prayer and supplication to the Father, submit your requests boldly before God. Inquire of the Holy Spirit, that He may reveal those areas of your life, which are just not quite there yet. So that you may know the strongholds that hinder you. Ask Him to teach you how to love Him according to His will and His good pleasure; so that in that day He will say to us, “Well done thy good and faithful servant!”

AMEN

Confession:

A little while ago, I published, “A Mile in Their Shoes,” detailing events of my encounter with Moises and the things that situation taught me. Briefly, I spoke about how I could somewhat, kind of understand how men and women get caught in these tangled webs revolving around love. At that time, Moises presented me with certain information and proposed that I choose how I wished to proceed. He was a married man (unbeknownst to me), I’d been communicating with; who felt compelled to disclose his relationship status before things escalated into something more than it should have been. I talked about the struggle it posed upon me, but how eventually I overcame my own desires. Well, nearly two years later, I find myself in a situation almost all to familiar.

Sometime in July of 2017, I met a handsome stranger. Upon first glance, I was captivated by his smile. When we met, the notion of dating didn’t exist. I knew what I’d wanted, I’d been searching to find it long enough, and when I saw him I thought to myself “hmm!”

I was curious.

Have you ever heard the saying, “curiosity kilt the cat?” I know I’ve heard it just as much as it has been spoken, and in this situation I learnt just what that expression meant. I definitely bit off more than I could chew, and allowed my will to get me into something, only prayer delivered me from.

Lust was definitely the driving force for our encounters. We met and things escalated just as quickly as it began. Of course, there were some things about him I necessarily didn’t see in someone I wanted to spend my life with, but for the moment, I didn’t mind. He had a beautiful smile to me, and actually it was one of the things I found myself waiting to see. His smooth demeanor relayed to the parts of me that just wanted to “chill.” Yet, his vibrant personality helped me see even things he wanted to hide.

Physical interactions continued and intimacy crept in somehow. There’d be days, I’d be laying upon his chest, listening to the troubles he spoke of. His insecurities often arose in our conversations, although I’m not sure he realized it. During those times, I can see, how I got to know him, and understood more about him then he’d ever realize. He talked most. I often just listened and would only respond if it seemed helpful.

What I knew to only be temporary, began to create feelings of desire and longing. I can’t quite recall the exact moment, but somewhere in all the madness, I allowed myself to care. Something I never wanted to do. I wanted to be as casual as those situation-ships I used to see on TV. I wanted to be removed, only there for the moment(s) where we were “together.” The fruit was completely forbidden, but I indulged as willingly as Eve had done, in the Garden of Eden. Only difference was, I didn’t have to be persuaded. I was willing, I was ready, and I enjoyed every moment of it. Until……..

Troubles arose.

Long before I became pregnant thoughts shifted  for me; and it didn’t take much time for me to change my focus. But, I had help crossing the line, we both thought we’d drawn in the beginning. We both overstepped. We both ventured off, into different areas of the unknown, forgetting our own personal reservations. Although, I maybe the only one to admit it. I wasn’t alone, in the undoing of myself.

Sir Walter Scott was onto something when he wrote in “A Flodden Field,” the famous verse ” Oh what tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive.” And what a tangled web things became  between he and I, in such a small time frame.  Unfortunately, it seems I was the only one caught in the web we spun together.

In most “Sneaky Link-Ups,” “Friends with Benefits,” “Just for the moment,” relationships, two engaging parties are only supposed to be available to one another for sexual encounters. Most are nothing more, nothing less than the physical. In the beginning, I tried to keep my distance. I tried to only communicate about what I wanted, when I was available, and where to be. For a short while, things went as planned for the both of us. However, on the other end, the frequency thereof, the intimacy created in those moments, and overuse of the word “Love,” became our issues.

I can’t say that I actually believed the sentiments expressed, but my resolve weakened over time. The defenses I’d  set in place started to become useless. I believed what I wanted to. Some due to lack of experience, some due to the “rose colored glasses,” keeping everything in tip top shape for me, and others due his and my own choices.

We both allowed things to occur, that should have been nipped in the bud instantly. When the time came, however, we both did nothing; until it was too late. It seemed to be easy to go astray. For me it was simple to begin to believe differently from where I’d been; I was comfortable with it. He was attentive when needed. He was kind. He was present.  He was consistent and persistent. He had the right actions, but they were guided by the wrong intentions. He even seemed to care.  I mean, things didn’t get bad, until they got bad; and by that time they were already worse than I’d thought they’d ever be.  I was far gone, but something deep within me, I like to think of as God’s Holy Spirit, kept me at some small place of reality. It didn’t seem like much more than a smidgen, but later I realized, what little I possessed was enough.

When the rubber met the road, many things began to surface. As I stated, I became pregnant, and had to endure the entire pregnancy alone. He chose not to be involved, because he didn’t want a child. I chose, after a couple of months, to keep my son. I chose my son, over him, regardless of his decision, because I refused to make such a life altering decision, for someone else, who only thought of himself. I refused to do anything for another person, who wouldn’t even reach out to see how I was, if I needed anything, or who played the victim. Everything was my fault. Everything that had happened, occurred because of me. So with that confession, from him to me, I went about my life with that same mentality. Everything that I would do, henceforth would be my choice.

I’d be remiss, if I didn’t mention the constant spiritual battle I faced. As a wayward Christian, could I still uphold my beliefs and continue living only for myself? Could I ignore the constant dreams, encounters, and conversations with God? The conversations with a mentor/mother of mine and a trusted friend, warning me of what was ahead, could I just mute them and go on? The dreams of others, could I silence them? Especially when all these encounters happened prior to me discovering of my pregnancy. I searched for rhyme or reason. I looked for solace. I thought of these things heavily. Actually, I think the word incessantly is a better fit. I couldn’t escape no matter how I tried. I couldn’t turn the voices or memories off. So I leaned in and prayed. My choice was for God. My choice was my unborn child. Ultimately I chose myself. I chose the part of myself that beckoned me to return to Christ.

I believed things would all just come together after I’d made my decision. Boy was I wrong. It wasn’t until Micah’s birth, that I discovered just how much a tangled web we weaved. There were so many other factors involved. The main being, a relationship he’d been in for an extended amount of time. One in which, he was unwilling to let go of and influenced his decision. Did I really want him to give up his life for me, absolutely not. I honestly don’t know what I wanted from him at the time. All I knew, was the he “should of” or the he “could at least,” and even the a “real man would,” sentiments others often made.

As I progressed through my pregnancy alone, more of why I didn’t want to be with him, became clearer. The rose colored glasses were finally off, and the part of the situation, that was led by my own delusions were clarified. We both created something so chaotic, but unlike Moises,  he didn’t give me the opportunity to decide which course of action I wanted to decide. His relationship was a secret. He only told me what he wanted me to know, and before reality set in, I was content with that.

Because of my choices, coupled with his choices, I became a single mother. Probably the most trying and yet most beneficial relationship, I’ll ever experience; the relationship between a mother and son. My son, has taught me so much. Through him, I’ve grown since then. Because of his existence, I learnt temporary pleasures are only temporary, and should never be mistaken for anything but. I learnt the value in myself. I came into the knowledge of “self-worth,” and I began to apply that concept to my everyday life. Finally, after such a long hiatus, I was leaning closer to God; relying on Him, for guidance.

I hadn’t had all things together, but what I did need to work on, Micah brought out the tools I’d already possessed, to get them done. I became more efficient. I became more resilient. I became a fighter. I became a better me.

Reflecting now, I could see where I ignored reason and gave way to feelings of loneliness and desire. My cousin warned me, to just be about what I needed to be about, and to not think to deeply. For the most part, I was good. So I thought, until suddenly I wasn’t. I misinterpreted things. Things were not properly communicated, and things that should have never been spoken, were spoken all to often. Even in my attempts to drown out the noise. Things like, “I Love You,” were spoken so frequently, I can’t remember when I began to say it back. I often questioned,  If I actually felt love, until I began to understand more about love. Love is dimensional, and in it’s purest form without conditions, selfless, and focuses more on the one who is loved.

I questioned my own feelings for a short while, but now I accept them for what they were. I’ve learnt to take what I’ve experienced and apply the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom gleaned from those situations, to life henceforth. I’ve come to believe that it’s completely valid for people to experience short bursts of love, in the initial stages of connection and intimacy with someone. Although often driven by other forces, such as loneliness, lusts, and fondness, love can be stimulated.  However, the longevity of love and the cultivation there of can only be harnessed and sustained through consistent and continual intimacy. Such intimacy is bred through  time and experiences that are both had and felt by both parties. To know love, in my opinion is to understand what love is, what love does, and where love is derived. Just recently, I’ve solely referenced the biblical notion of love, characterized in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (excerpt taken from the Amplified version).

^“4 Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵ It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷ Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. ⁸ Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

In this case, as love is dimensional, I’d only grown to a certain realm of love with him. Yet, to this day, I’ve chosen the route of forgiveness and to press into God’s Love, for myself, for my son, and for his father. Yes, I love him, in a specific realm where love abides unconditionally and I pray for him just the same. We are not a product of our choices, but vessels created by God, for God, and unto God for His good pleasure. I can’t not be forgiven nor accept God’s Love, except I first forgive and show love. SO that is the route I chose and will continue to choose today and forevermore.

Peace and blessings be unto you all!

Confession:

For the past few years, I’d say, my heart has been fumbling through the process of wanting to be in love. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. I daydream of the possibilities, I thirst to taste its beauty, and my soul hungers to feel its embrace. I can’t quite explain why love has such a hold on me, but it does, and because of it I’ve been held captive and I don’t necessarily want to be set free. However, I do want to be free of the chains that lay hold to my wrists and the shackles that bind my feet to the idea of a love that isn’t quite like the love I know it can be.

Since I can remember I’ve been attracted to the very notion of love. Everything about it calls out to me. When I inhale the freshness of the air, I can smell its aroma in the atmosphere surrounding me. The days I’m able to sit back and admire the beauty in the sun setting, I can see its ardent colors rising over my day like a banner.

Yet though I can see it in everything, hear it in the stillness of the day, smell it as the winds blow, feel it in nearly everything I do, and taste it through my words, my soul becomes discontent in waiting to be loved both effectively and efficiently. Being a single, seemingly attractive, and caring woman I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t met a man that wouldn’t waste my time, his time, and hurt me. I saw good men everyday, but none of them seemed to be interested in me. The loneliness made me question everything. Every corner I turned there was someone commenting on how “Beautiful” I was, how great of a “smile” I had, and how “one day I’d meet someone deserving of me.” Yet, no matter how many times I’d heard those things, after awhile I began to doubt the validity of their comments.

As if feeling unlucky, in the love department wasn’t enough of a disappointment, my career had plummeted. Things hadn’t worked out as I’d planned, and it seemed like all my efforts to stay afloat only further sunk the ship that was “My Life.” Because of all the chaotic drama encircling me, in  August of 2016, ungraciously I accepted temporary defeat and returned to my hometown in Alabama.

Initially I was only scheduled to be there for a few weeks, but hey, that quickly escalated to 6 months. In that time, I’d been given the opportunity to re-evaluate some decisions, gather new strategies, and restructure my life. Once I’d gained everything I needed to pick up where I left off, I copped a plane ticket, packed my bags, and relocated to the DMV (DC, Maryland, Virginia) area pursuing a way out. I’d been so bogged down by my own troubles that I needed an escape, and I needed to en-graft myself in a culture that would inspire me to move. When I say move, I mean get up off my soap box and be productive. There was so much I needed to get done, and in the place I’d been, I sat comfortable in my own misery.

I arrived in the DMV late February determined to get what I’d lost back. However, I had no hope. It’d been misplaced. Shortly before I arrived, my heart had been shattered into millions of tiny little pieces, and I just knew I wasn’t going to get them back. I’d allowed an old flame to rekindle inside of my heart, and when he doused out what little embers still burned, I felt reduced to mere ashes. You know, the state of ash, that upon any form of touch, it disintegrates into more rubbish. It was unlike any experience I’d ever encountered. I can recall nights I’d been woken up from my sleep, drenched in sweat, heart pounding ten times faster than normal, and gasping for air. I couldn’t breathe while I was asleep; neither could I bare the pain of going to sleep being tormented by my dreams. Every night, I had these dreams that tortured me consistently, all possessing a central theme, “him.” I couldn’t take it. So, most late nights, I sat up through the night either talking to Destiny or Tiffany searching for solace. Some of those nights, they just sat listening to me cry, unaware of the full condition of my mind.

It was difficult to wrap my head around the situation. I mean when someone says “I Love You,” you naturally expect them to mean it. Especially when that person knows exactly how you feel about them, and knows to what extent you’re willing to go for them. To make matters worse, it was long before I moved to the DMV, that he and I spent time together. Apart from the constant conversations, most times we were together we just talked. The night I’m thinking of in particular, we spoke of everything under the sun. Although some time had passed, prior to us reconnecting, we both knew and expressed how we truly felt. Beyond that, that night we engaged in everything possible but an actual physical rendezvous. It’d been years since I’d allowed intimacy in any form, shape, or fashion in, and at the time I felt ready. It felt right, and just flowed naturally.

Although I had to be at work at 5am the next morning, I ignored the fact that it was already almost 2am. Hours had passed, and I enjoyed every moment of it. Apparently, I had to have been the only one, because a couple days passed and I hadn’t heard from him. The next month arrived, and by this time weeks had passed with no communication between the two of us. Each day that passed, brought about its own uncertainties. I asked myself, “How could this have happened?” I thought we loved one another. I pondered on what I could have done wrong. Had he changed his mind, and if so, why? There were so many questions, and definitely no answers because he refused to communicate with me.

I was definitely lost!!! The months leading up to my return to Alabama from school, he and I’d been consistently in contact with one another. After I had returned, we were still communicating, but somewhere in between the “I love you(s)” and high hopes, we turned the page and ended up in different chapters. I was livid. Anyone that knows me personally, knows how difficult it is for me to express myself. Quite honestly, when I told a friend of mine, her exact response was, “What, you told him you love him? Em, I can’t believe it.”

My anger got the best of me. Wherever he was concerned my emotions rose and took hold of me. I began to avoid him. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted no contact at all. I tried to push it all into a place where I wouldn’t have to deal, but by the time I began to settle into my new home, in the DMV, those unresolved issues began to resurface.

Maybe it was my issue for assuming that something would come of us reconnecting, maybe not. Maybe it was his responsibility to inform me, that although he felt what he felt, he was not in a position to give me what I needed, nor take from me, what I was willing to give to him.

Eventually, I grew tired of the perilous routine, so I began to seek comfort from other things. And that’s when I realized something so important! Most of the nights, I lay awake, wallowing in my own self pity, I couldn’t recall much of what had gotten me where I was. All i knew was that I was hurting and couldn’t understand why. Then one day, as I began replaying the night we sat outside talking for hours, and noticed something so familiar.

For nearly a decade this young man and I repeated the same disastrous pattern. No matter how much time passed, each year he and I would reconnect; and time and time again after so much time of being together, he’d leave. I’d be left devastated and hurting, but I guess to him, he was only doing what he knew to do.

I assume it was so easy for me to continue on this ridiculous path with him, because I never saw what we had as finished. I only saw the separation, and gradually began giving each heart ache a different designation. “Distance,” “Wrong Timing,” “School,” “Misunderstanding,” “Relationships,” and so much. The moral is, the EXCUSES kept piling up. Eventually, I succumbed to my own defeat, and once again I retreated.

Does this sound familiar? Have you found yourself repeating unhealthy patterns? It’s all a cycle, and unfortunately it’s a cycle that will continue until you take the initiative to break it. If you don’t take the time to remember, what you’ve already been made aware of, you’ll always choose to forget it, in the presence of what your flesh desires. I’d known for years that he and I were not as good of a fit, as my heart tried to convey to me. I’d known for some time that our choices didn’t reflect the same reality. Yet, with each passing year and with each new bridge connecting the gaps of reasons why not between us, I overlooked the simple truth. The truth that, a future for the two of us together  was just not meant to be. And that my friends was the hardest reality, I wouldn’t fully accept until the year 2020.

From one mended heart to another:

Be very careful of the things you think you can’t do, and give yourself opportunity to do them (failure or not). Be very mindful of the things you know, but you overlook. We often, out of reflex, tend to react to certain situations, and later say things like “something told me,” or “it’s something, i just can’t put my finger on it,” or “I just have a feeling.” Sometimes you just have to trust yourself.

Matthew 26: 41 “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” – Emotions follow actions, they should never lead them. Learn to deny yourself.

And always be very diligent and truthful with yourself. In doing so, you will save you! But remember, it all starts with you. Time will not heal your wounds, if you don’t first choose healing. Peace will not come, if you’re always running towards the storm; and comfort won’t reign if you don’t allow it to take over. It all starts with you; It’s your choice.