Often times we are bombarded with the concepts of, “It’s a process.” Meaning, that throughout our life’s pilgrimage, there are processes at work that help guide, define, shape, and inspire purpose and God’s plan. These processes are sometimes already at work in our lives, with or without our consent; however, there are a few that only occur in direct response to the choices we make in life.

Recently, after relocating to Alabama, to refocus and regroup, my life started to come together. A newly displaced single mother, trying to navigate the complexities of motherhood, and life as a single woman. There was so much I was disappointed in myself for, because of the journey I’d chosen. The most apparent things were:

1. Having to return home.
2. Feelings of regret for the choice I made concerning Micah
3. Giving up what I thought my life should look like.

Having to return home, although I knew it was what was best, made me feel defeated. That coupled with relinquishing the plans I’d made for myself, was a pretty unsettling feeling. Especially when postpartum depression crept in. Now looking back, it seemed as if everything was heightened by my emotions to the power of ten. I was trying to overcome so much, and still look as if things already were. Though I didn’t want to admit it, the moment I stepped off the plane, there was a wave of peace that washed over me. Seeing two of my sisters standing, awaiting Micah and I’s arrival, gave me a sense of joy I hadn’t felt in a while. There was a permeating calmness and I knew things would be alright.

Mind you, when I moved home I had nothing. I hadn’t owned my own car at the time, so Micah and I had to travel by plane. That meant, not much could travel with us. Most of what Micah was blessed with, through so many wonderful people, I ended up giving away. There was no room; and in comparison to the things I had shipped, to keep those items would be too costly. It would have been easier to just repurchase once we’d gotten settled.

The day our plane landed in Pensacola, FL was January 4, 2019. We’d arrived safely. But though we were home, I’d made a vow that it wouldn’t be our home forever. So, in my mind, I had to hit the ground running. There were a few things I needed to get done rather quickly. We needed a car, I needed to find a job, and I desired to find a home for Micah and I. It was not my intention, to live with my parents for too long. I’d moved from house to house, for quite a while, and neither of those places were mine. I only borrowed space, where I could. Don’t misunderstand, I’m beyond grateful. Not many people have the privilege to know someone, or have such a relationship with others, where they can come and inhabit others’ homes freely. I was, and have always been blessed. But “to whom much is given, much is required.” (Luke 12:48).

It was now time I learnt to stand on my own two feet. I was no longer a young, care free, and ambitious woman. My status was upgraded to a matured, responsible, and dependable mother. Whatever roots I laid down, I knew it was expedient for Micah’s sake. While I looked for work, I took a part-time position at a local subway. It wasn’t technically an actual position, because I only filled in. So i guess, the proper term would be per diam. I only worked when Wendy had shortages, and got paid daily. No matter how much savings I’d had at the time, things were evaporating quickly. Expenses for Micah were sickening. He was a breastfed child, however my milk production wasn’t nearly where I wished it to be. So, when I wasn’t present, he alternated between breast-milk and a product called Nutramigen. He didn’t digest the other brands well, so when I discovered this brand, I was happy. That milk alone cost approx. fifty dollars a can. Other expenses, such as pampers and wipes, clothing, baby foods, and etc. began to pile up. Those things don’t include the basic necessities I needed for myself. I was definitely putting more out than I could gather in; and only bringing in maybe thirty dollars here and there wasn’t enough. Still I held onto the Subway position, picked up whatever shifts I could, and kept job hunting.

Late one night, I noticed that most of the better paying jobs, in my career field, were located in places that required me to have a vehicle. I remember one day, speaking with my sister Shay, about a car. It was random. So I thought. I’d been praying and “believing” for a car, since my freshman year in college. That day, she gave me some valuable information on where to look, how to conduct the search, and who to speak to. So I got online, I checked my credit score. I looked at all my accounts , to see how much money I had. I prayed and came up with a deposit value. I began looking the following days, doing research to find what I wanted or what I could afford. The intention was to get a car and to keep it, not to use it for a little while and then give it back. So I committed my time to making sure I did what I needed to. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, and by the time I started reaching out to car lots and looking seriously, I’d known the type of car I wanted and all. So I proceeded forth.

I remember, for each car sales representative I talked to, I gave them the same rehearsed line. I told them my credit score. How much of a deposit I wanted to put down, how much total I was willing to spend on my first car, and how much I wanted my monthly payments to be. Then at the end of each conversation, I ended with “If you can’t help me, don’t waste my time. I’ll go somewhere else.” The first car I looked at, in my hometown was a 2019 all black Toyota Camry. I was truly interested in that car, but when I went to inquire about it, it was driving off the lot, as the rep and I talked. I didn’t sweat it though. I had another car in mind. It was located in another town, but everything looked good to me. I’d done the research I needed and my brother, nephew, and I drove down one Saturday afternoon to see it. I went there with the mindset, “If they can’t give me what I ask for, I’ll leave, save more money, and find something else.” I was determined not to settle.

As we pulled into the car lot, there it was waiting for me. It was parked right in front of the main showroom. Brad, the salesman, met us in the waiting room, and escorted us into his office. After talking for a little while, he expressed his amazement. He was stunned at how prepared I was. I allowed my brother to test drive the car. Upon his approval, we moved forward with the process; however, Brad wasn’t trying to give me what I wanted. I looked at my brother, and stuck to my original plan. We delightfully declined, and left the car lot carless.

Before we could even make it home, my phone died. I couldn’t tell you what time it was, but nearly thirty minutes later, my brother and nephew were pulling into my mom’s apartment complex. We said our goodbyes and I went inside the house, head high and undefeated. I actually felt accomplished because I didn’t waver. As I plugged my phone into the charger, I disclosed to my mom all that happened. We talked for a while, and when my phone had gotten enough charge it powered on. There was a message from Brad, in my inbox. I opened the message, and it was him offering me a better deal on the car. Then my phone rang, and it was Brad again. The dealership was moments away from closing, but he called anyway. We talked, and I told him, I’d call him back.

I called my brother, and we discussed everything. He reckoned it was a great deal and urged me to take it. He’d even stepped up and offered to help me with my first car note, if I couldn’t find a job in forty-five days. We decided to go get the car. I called Brad, told him okay, and that we were on our way back. That night, he, the owner, and the sales woman all waited for us to return. That night, I drove off the car lot, with the car I wanted, a car note of affordable means, a $50-$80 difference from what I asked for. The down payment was exactly how I’d asked, which was paid two weeks after I got the car! Everything I wanted, and needed God made it happen.

He acted upon my faith. I didn’t just believe, I put forth all my efforts and the steps in which I was guided I took. Remember “Faith without works is dead!”(James 2:14-26)I trusted Him, and reckoned in myself to rely on Him. That day, I say again, I left the car lot with the same car I drive today. God did it. I had no job, fair credit, a $400 deposit, and sheer determination not to settle. God had the rest. A week or so later, I’d secured a great job with great benefits in my career field; and a few months later, Micah and I had our very first home together.

Back then, I didn’t understand why I needed to go home. I saw it as a sign of defeat. It wasn’t because my hometown was just that bad. It was because I didn’t want to be there. I came from a small town, and everything I’d gotten so used to was not there. I believed the lie, that it was my fault alone that I was where I was. If I could equate it to anything, back then I believed it was God’s way of sending me out of the Garden of Eden.

Oh, how I was sadly mistaken. Going home, proved to be my place of healing. It was the place, I was able to obtain a lot of biblical spiritual deliverance. It was my own cave. In the bible, often times when King Saul, would be in pursuit of David’s life, David would find refuge in a cave. I now see, my hometown, as my cave. God restored me. God protected me, and He brought me to a place of reconciliation, with my past.

I didn’t see it, and because so I almost missed God. Be encouraged. Sometimes the reasons why we experience things, is not always quite apparent. The reasons why aren’t staring you in the face, nor are they holding a huge sign saying, “Walk this way, because of x,y, and z!” Sometimes you have to press your way through all the uncertainty and doubt to actually obtain or understand the meaning behind the process.

“Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality- faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses]. ” Hebrews 11:1 AMP