Confession:

Recently I was having a conversation with a close friend. Things were as they normally flowed between the two of us. It’d been maybe ten minutes into our conversation and we’d already briefly addressed how our day went, how our families were, and how work was going. We touched on the new things God was doing in our lives, and where we thought we were, in the present time spiritually and physically. After the usual formalities were over, she revealed some very personal things to me. What she spoke of was current and I could tell it was still a touchy subject for her. Yet, she felt compelled to share. Some way there was a shift and the tone of our conversation began to spiral down a slippery slope.

For a while, I listened as she spoke of some specifics within her own personal life, and finally responded. Yet, before I could finish what I was attempting to say, I was abruptly interrupted. She immediately began to defend her choices and relationship status with God, although I hadn’t questioned it. At the time, what I said that could have triggered her, I was unaware of. Still I could tell she was agitated and became defensive; and without asking for clarity or allowing me to finish speaking, she lashed out in confusion. Had she given me time to finish speaking, maybe things would have been clearer.

No matter how I tried to correct the misunderstanding, it seemed things continued to spiral deeper and deeper. Until, during our conversation, as she spoke, I decided to quiet down and and listen. I wanted to find where the problem was, so that I could fix it. So, my opinion and defenses took a backseat in the conversation, and I focused on hearing what she had to say. It was an attempt to move away from any further confusion. When it was my turn to speak again, I responded, “I understand what you’re saying, but that’s not at all what I meant.” Admittedly so, I was a little frustrated and was ready to end the conversation altogether. Instead, I took a second and then once again, attempted to clarify what I meant. Finally after much time and through many words we finally were back on the same page.

An hour or two passed by, afterwards, and I sat trying to process how things escalated to such a degree. And in doing so, this post was birth.

It’s easy sometimes to jump to the defensive side when something or someone opposes your mindset, circumstance, or experiences. Most times challenging thoughts and ideals will bring to the surface hidden thoughts and agendas towards ourselves and others. Especially when what is being said, whether true or not, is not yet ready to be received. Often times we fail to connect the dots, to our situations, when others try to relate unwanted or irrelevant experiences, personal beliefs, and suggestions to us. Thoughts such as:

“It’s not the same for me,” “What worked for you might not work for me,” “We’re not the same, situations are different,” “you don’t know the whole story,” and others often arise, in these types of conversations. However, be it true or not, there are some essential things to keep in mind when being a confidant and/or when confiding in someone else. Regardless of which seat you find yourself in, it is important to self evaluate and process each situation accordingly. Though the severity of and pressing need to express oneself may not allot time to consider such things, when offense is present, one should look back and ponder a few things.

Things to consider:

1. For the Confider: What is my goal? – Ask yourself why you are sharing this particular information with another person. What is it that you are looking to gain? Is it encouragement that you seek, sympathy, validation, release, confirmation, basic information and guidelines, etc. It is important to understand what role you wish your confidant to play, so that you are able to choose someone more compatible and able to fill that need. For the Confidant: Why am I here? What does he/she need from me? Remember, as a confidant we often times have to grapple with what basic need our friend(s) wishes to be met.
2. For the Confider: Ask yourself, “Why did I choose this particular person(s) to confide in?” We all have those specific people we seek counsel, confide in, and talk with for specific reasons. What you may share with Tonya or Todd, you may never share with Deidra or Dennis. It’s very important to understand and acknowledge the bond and connections we share with others. For the Confidant: Know your position in the relationship. Most times, we can tell what a person/friend wants from us. People are often, people of patterns. For example: I have four sisters, all of which I decide what to and what not to talk about. My sisters Kysha and Stephanie, when we talk, they tend to focus on the reality of things. They speak truth unbridled. They don’t try to spare my feelings. Because I know this about the two of them, in situations where need a softer touch, I may confide in my two other sisters Tara and Shay. Although they still speak truth, they’re a little more delicate!
3. For the Confider: Am I open and ready to hear the opinions of others? If you are just talking for release, it is important to either communicate that to your confidant; or choose an outlet that provides you with just that. Even if that’s just a mirror or pen and paper. For the Confidant: This falls in the lines of number two; knowing your role in the relationship you have with the other. If Tim, only wants to tell you stories, but never really asks you for true and sound advice; it maybe that Tim sees you as a good listener. Knowing such things will help guide you, and also alleviate any unwanted stress/strain. Don’t extend yourself further than your reach, unless it is a desperately necessary. Be advised, this does not mean, stay in a limited position in your relationship. Discern the proper moment to elevate from one outlook to the next, and then move.
4. For the Confider: Can I handle the opinion of others, without feeling negative emotions towards myself and/or them? Things such as condemnation, judgement, feelings of being misunderstood, and offense can quickly take root and fester; which can lead to feelings of resentment and regret. Always remember unchecked emotions stimulate hurt, and brews a storm of varying strengths. You must DEAL in order to HEAL. In order to heal properly and completely, you must heal to the degree at which you were hurt. For the Confidant: Know your audience. Sometimes is not necessarily “what you say,” but “HOW YOU SAY IT!” Verbal is just as key as nonverbal. Tone, body language, posture, hand gestures, and facial expressions all matter.
5. For the Confider: Do I know how to separate the person’s intent from my understanding? Are you able to discern a person’s intentions when they are trying to convey a message to you? Do they seek seek to help, console, comfort, misguide, belittle, judge, confuse, distort, puff up, and so forth? It is imperative to know (discern) the intentions or spirit of influence spear heading your and another’s words. Anything outside of the Wisdom of God, will always lead you to negatives. What negatives you may ask? ANYTHING THAT VIOLATES THE NATURE OF GOD’S CHARACTER AND HIS WILL FOR YOUR LIFE! It can sound good, but still NOT be of or from GOD. “Lest Satan should get an advantage of us, for we are not ignorant of his devices.” (2 Cor 2:11 KJV) For the Confidant: Say it, don’t spray it. Say things in love, don’t spew hate. Say things in truth, don’t add lies. Say things to help, not to confuse. If you really don’t like the person, why add fuel to the fire. WHAT YOU PUT INTO THE GROUND WILL DEFINITELY GROW AND SPREAD SEEDS; and not just into the lives of others, but also in your own. Biblically speaking, Paul wrote to the church of Galatia ” Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall reap of the Spirit.” – (Gal 6:7-8 KJV) Now what things are of the Spirit? Paul also covered this, when addressing the church of Galatia. He wrote, ” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.” (Gal 5:22-23)
6. For the Confider: Can I chew the meat and spit out the bones? Often times, especially with women, the message can be misunderstood because we simply talk too much. We can’t just say what needs to be said and leave it at that. We think sometimes we have to define or elaborate on everything. If we don’t, people won’t understand or receive it in its simplest form. We don’t want them to “take things the wrong way,” so we try to help them understand. Which can be helpful, but many times we confuse people more by doing so. Sometimes we over elaborate. Rule of thumb; say what needs to be said plainly. For the Confidant: Certain cuts of meat contain components that aren’t always edible. To some, the fat may be edible; but to others, like me, it’s only good for flavor. The bone is also inedible, but a great source of flavor. In many cases, the bone gets left in some meats and people accidently bite into them. Doing so, can choke you if you don’t spit it out. Try to keep up. In cases such as this, it can be easy to get lost in “all” the details. Find the bones. Trim the fat. Though the extra bits are good for flavor, not everything is needed. Don’t just check out though. The most important parts can be wedge in between everything else.
7. For the Confider and Confidant: Does it apply? Does the content of what they are saying relate? Either for the confider or confidant, check to make sure the information that was given, or that is about to be given is applicable to the situation. Be wise and be relevant. Discern the moment and proceed or don’t proceed.

Everyone, it is also important that to everything there is a season. Not every revelation, dream, encounter and so forth needs to be shared immediately. Other times maybe so. First and foremost, seek the Holy Spirit for His counsel. He’s here to guide us into all truth!

After that, know that friendships, Godly and right, friendships are essential to our growth. Scripture says this about connections/relationships with other people:

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 (NKJV) and also “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Provers 27:17 (NIV)