The Act of Love:

I remember back in college I wanted to understand love, romantic love. I was enamored by it. I was drawn to it. I loved everything about it, but to be honest, I’d never truly experienced it. Of course, I’d had a relationship I was very serious about. You couldn’t tell me back then, that the two of us wouldn’t make it. Although, the signs of that relationship screamed everything but longevity.

One day, in my college dorm, maybe around 2013 or 2014, I prayed and asked God to help me understand love. At that time, the relationship that I briefly mentioned was somewhat over. Apart from simple greetings, birthday wishes, and holidays we didn’t talk much; and even that was far, few, and in between. I wasn’t necessarily expecting such an immediate response, but nonetheless, His answer blew my mind.

In that moment, God likened His love for me, to how I loved my ex-boyfriend. Yet, His love was more precise, consistent, and very much so exact. There was no flaws in His love, unlike the love I had for and shared with the one my heart moved for. At times, I could say I was desperate for it. It took a while, but as that realization set in, I began to become broken. I nor he, were in no means harlots, or what we in society call prostitutes; but the story of Hosea began to ring louder than ever before. By no means, am I trying to self-righteously portray myself in a light greater than I deserve, but for this situation and from my perspective, I was the more diligent, loving, and committed between the two of us.

Since that occasion, I’ve often and almost always reflect to that revelation. God was saying to me, “The way you love him, unconditionally with no thought for your own self, and how you endlessly make yourself available to him regardless of how undeserving he seems is the same way I love you, in perfection.”  Nearly eight years later, I’m still baffled. That word perfection struck me then. I pondered for a long time, and just recently I discovered something interesting.

Perfection as we define it commonly refers to getting, doing, and being everything right. It is without failure and without mistake. However, although God’s love is without failure or mistake, and His love is righteous. It is a love, that is perfect- without void, nothing missing, nothing lacking. His love is complete, and is made perfect in us, through Jesus Christ.

Of course, my love for the gentleman, in which I’ve been referring to was flawed and full of mistakes. I never thought of it beyond so. Yet, I began to see the parallel God was making. In my mind, where the one I delighted in was concerned, if I had the ability, I would have moved heaven and earth for his sake. Countless of times, he repeatedly chose other’s affections over mine, and though it hurt me, I was just as exuberant about his small signs of affections. To me they were the same in weight as the major declarations of love he professed to me.

What I saw when I looked at him was love. I didn’t just look at his heart, I looked at his spirit and tried desperately to search his soul. I would listen to him speaking, and in the things he didn’t say I would find new ways to comfort him or encourage him. I’m sure, if he ever saw things and was asked, he’d testify of this truth. When I loved him, I loved him for as long as I could before I had to walk away. I settled with God Himself, that if I continued on in how things were, I’d lose all sense of myself, and I could not afford that. I was pouring out into him, but it never seemed as if he was pouring back into me. I began to become exhausted. I began to run empty and there was no other place I could go to regain as much as I’d given.

I began to question God shortly afterward. “How do you not run empty?” I could no longer, liken myself because I began to realize just how deep and how far God’s love stretched. In my own will, I was loving someone with every breathe I breathed. In thought, he was there. In longing, I’d never longed for anything or anyone more. In desire, he was it. To those I knew, he didn’t deserve any of it. To me however, because I’d set my desires and affections on Him, I was determined to see it through. It didn’t matter what he deserved. I knew what I saw in him. I knew that my love wasn’t going to be kindled by the opinions of others. I was determined. I’d settled within my soul against all reason to love and eventually one day be fully loved by him.

And as that revelation continued to set in, more memories came to mind. Specific instances began to resurface. Things not even he knew about, came to mind. There were times, I’d plan events, dates, or just times for us to be with together, that never occurred. Mind you, this wasn’t someone I hadn’t known. This wasn’t just a friend I had unrequited feelings for. This was towards someone who professed to love me. He was someone I’d given myself to physically, mentally, and emotional. We expressed our desires to be together. We did things, God says only a husband and a wife should. So believe me, I wasn’t living a fairytale. It was just hard to not love someone; I’d began to picture a future with.

Not only did the good moments flash before me, but all the disappointments I faced and endured came flooding in. Every moment I felt I took two steps closer, it seemed he withdrew ten steps back. The closer I wanted to be to him, the more I began to see how close he was willing to allow me to be to him. I began to feel like second best. It seemed every other option was better than me. It felt as if, I’d been deceived. Yet that feeling didn’t stop my heart from yearning. I reasoned and said often, “If only he could see, all that I have waiting for him.” Literally, I was torn. It took so many years for me truly relinquish that situation. Much prayer and fasting had to happen, and even deliverance. I had to break the soul tie, we’d created, because it was beyond detrimental to us both.

It is now 2021, and I still reflect on that revelation. New events and moments have occurred, and when I wonder “God, why do you put up with us?” I reminded of that relationship and that revelation, and I have my answer. Because of Love!

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

Though our love is imperfect in many regards, God’s love is not. He draws us away, and woos our hearts into submission through perfect Love. A construct designed from His very essence. One that is given to an undeserving, uncommitted, ungrateful, and wavering heart like yours and mine. Still, knowing all this He gives and gives repetitively, without regret. Even unto death.

The Bible says in John 15:13

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” (KJV)