Confession:

A little while ago, I published, “A Mile in Their Shoes,” detailing events of my encounter with Moises and the things that situation taught me. Briefly, I spoke about how I could somewhat, kind of understand how men and women get caught in these tangled webs revolving around love. At that time, Moises presented me with certain information and proposed that I choose how I wished to proceed. He was a married man (unbeknownst to me), I’d been communicating with; who felt compelled to disclose his relationship status before things escalated into something more than it should have been. I talked about the struggle it posed upon me, but how eventually I overcame my own desires. Well, nearly two years later, I find myself in a situation almost all to familiar.

Sometime in July of 2017, I met a handsome stranger. Upon first glance, I was captivated by his smile. When we met, the notion of dating didn’t exist. I knew what I’d wanted, I’d been searching to find it long enough, and when I saw him I thought to myself “hmm!”

I was curious.

Have you ever heard the saying, “curiosity kilt the cat?” I know I’ve heard it just as much as it has been spoken, and in this situation I learnt just what that expression meant. I definitely bit off more than I could chew, and allowed my will to get me into something, only prayer delivered me from.

Lust was definitely the driving force for our encounters. We met and things escalated just as quickly as it began. Of course, there were some things about him I necessarily didn’t see in someone I wanted to spend my life with, but for the moment, I didn’t mind. He had a beautiful smile to me, and actually it was one of the things I found myself waiting to see. His smooth demeanor relayed to the parts of me that just wanted to “chill.” Yet, his vibrant personality helped me see even things he wanted to hide.

Physical interactions continued and intimacy crept in somehow. There’d be days, I’d be laying upon his chest, listening to the troubles he spoke of. His insecurities often arose in our conversations, although I’m not sure he realized it. During those times, I can see, how I got to know him, and understood more about him then he’d ever realize. He talked most. I often just listened and would only respond if it seemed helpful.

What I knew to only be temporary, began to create feelings of desire and longing. I can’t quite recall the exact moment, but somewhere in all the madness, I allowed myself to care. Something I never wanted to do. I wanted to be as casual as those situation-ships I used to see on TV. I wanted to be removed, only there for the moment(s) where we were “together.” The fruit was completely forbidden, but I indulged as willingly as Eve had done, in the Garden of Eden. Only difference was, I didn’t have to be persuaded. I was willing, I was ready, and I enjoyed every moment of it. Until……..

Troubles arose.

Long before I became pregnant thoughts shifted  for me; and it didn’t take much time for me to change my focus. But, I had help crossing the line, we both thought we’d drawn in the beginning. We both overstepped. We both ventured off, into different areas of the unknown, forgetting our own personal reservations. Although, I maybe the only one to admit it. I wasn’t alone, in the undoing of myself.

Sir Walter Scott was onto something when he wrote in “A Flodden Field,” the famous verse ” Oh what tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive.” And what a tangled web things became  between he and I, in such a small time frame.  Unfortunately, it seems I was the only one caught in the web we spun together.

In most “Sneaky Link-Ups,” “Friends with Benefits,” “Just for the moment,” relationships, two engaging parties are only supposed to be available to one another for sexual encounters. Most are nothing more, nothing less than the physical. In the beginning, I tried to keep my distance. I tried to only communicate about what I wanted, when I was available, and where to be. For a short while, things went as planned for the both of us. However, on the other end, the frequency thereof, the intimacy created in those moments, and overuse of the word “Love,” became our issues.

I can’t say that I actually believed the sentiments expressed, but my resolve weakened over time. The defenses I’d  set in place started to become useless. I believed what I wanted to. Some due to lack of experience, some due to the “rose colored glasses,” keeping everything in tip top shape for me, and others due his and my own choices.

We both allowed things to occur, that should have been nipped in the bud instantly. When the time came, however, we both did nothing; until it was too late. It seemed to be easy to go astray. For me it was simple to begin to believe differently from where I’d been; I was comfortable with it. He was attentive when needed. He was kind. He was present.  He was consistent and persistent. He had the right actions, but they were guided by the wrong intentions. He even seemed to care.  I mean, things didn’t get bad, until they got bad; and by that time they were already worse than I’d thought they’d ever be.  I was far gone, but something deep within me, I like to think of as God’s Holy Spirit, kept me at some small place of reality. It didn’t seem like much more than a smidgen, but later I realized, what little I possessed was enough.

When the rubber met the road, many things began to surface. As I stated, I became pregnant, and had to endure the entire pregnancy alone. He chose not to be involved, because he didn’t want a child. I chose, after a couple of months, to keep my son. I chose my son, over him, regardless of his decision, because I refused to make such a life altering decision, for someone else, who only thought of himself. I refused to do anything for another person, who wouldn’t even reach out to see how I was, if I needed anything, or who played the victim. Everything was my fault. Everything that had happened, occurred because of me. So with that confession, from him to me, I went about my life with that same mentality. Everything that I would do, henceforth would be my choice.

I’d be remiss, if I didn’t mention the constant spiritual battle I faced. As a wayward Christian, could I still uphold my beliefs and continue living only for myself? Could I ignore the constant dreams, encounters, and conversations with God? The conversations with a mentor/mother of mine and a trusted friend, warning me of what was ahead, could I just mute them and go on? The dreams of others, could I silence them? Especially when all these encounters happened prior to me discovering of my pregnancy. I searched for rhyme or reason. I looked for solace. I thought of these things heavily. Actually, I think the word incessantly is a better fit. I couldn’t escape no matter how I tried. I couldn’t turn the voices or memories off. So I leaned in and prayed. My choice was for God. My choice was my unborn child. Ultimately I chose myself. I chose the part of myself that beckoned me to return to Christ.

I believed things would all just come together after I’d made my decision. Boy was I wrong. It wasn’t until Micah’s birth, that I discovered just how much a tangled web we weaved. There were so many other factors involved. The main being, a relationship he’d been in for an extended amount of time. One in which, he was unwilling to let go of and influenced his decision. Did I really want him to give up his life for me, absolutely not. I honestly don’t know what I wanted from him at the time. All I knew, was the he “should of” or the he “could at least,” and even the a “real man would,” sentiments others often made.

As I progressed through my pregnancy alone, more of why I didn’t want to be with him, became clearer. The rose colored glasses were finally off, and the part of the situation, that was led by my own delusions were clarified. We both created something so chaotic, but unlike Moises,  he didn’t give me the opportunity to decide which course of action I wanted to decide. His relationship was a secret. He only told me what he wanted me to know, and before reality set in, I was content with that.

Because of my choices, coupled with his choices, I became a single mother. Probably the most trying and yet most beneficial relationship, I’ll ever experience; the relationship between a mother and son. My son, has taught me so much. Through him, I’ve grown since then. Because of his existence, I learnt temporary pleasures are only temporary, and should never be mistaken for anything but. I learnt the value in myself. I came into the knowledge of “self-worth,” and I began to apply that concept to my everyday life. Finally, after such a long hiatus, I was leaning closer to God; relying on Him, for guidance.

I hadn’t had all things together, but what I did need to work on, Micah brought out the tools I’d already possessed, to get them done. I became more efficient. I became more resilient. I became a fighter. I became a better me.

Reflecting now, I could see where I ignored reason and gave way to feelings of loneliness and desire. My cousin warned me, to just be about what I needed to be about, and to not think to deeply. For the most part, I was good. So I thought, until suddenly I wasn’t. I misinterpreted things. Things were not properly communicated, and things that should have never been spoken, were spoken all to often. Even in my attempts to drown out the noise. Things like, “I Love You,” were spoken so frequently, I can’t remember when I began to say it back. I often questioned,  If I actually felt love, until I began to understand more about love. Love is dimensional, and in it’s purest form without conditions, selfless, and focuses more on the one who is loved.

I questioned my own feelings for a short while, but now I accept them for what they were. I’ve learnt to take what I’ve experienced and apply the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom gleaned from those situations, to life henceforth. I’ve come to believe that it’s completely valid for people to experience short bursts of love, in the initial stages of connection and intimacy with someone. Although often driven by other forces, such as loneliness, lusts, and fondness, love can be stimulated.  However, the longevity of love and the cultivation there of can only be harnessed and sustained through consistent and continual intimacy. Such intimacy is bred through  time and experiences that are both had and felt by both parties. To know love, in my opinion is to understand what love is, what love does, and where love is derived. Just recently, I’ve solely referenced the biblical notion of love, characterized in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (excerpt taken from the Amplified version).

^“4 Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵ It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷ Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. ⁸ Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

In this case, as love is dimensional, I’d only grown to a certain realm of love with him. Yet, to this day, I’ve chosen the route of forgiveness and to press into God’s Love, for myself, for my son, and for his father. Yes, I love him, in a specific realm where love abides unconditionally and I pray for him just the same. We are not a product of our choices, but vessels created by God, for God, and unto God for His good pleasure. I can’t not be forgiven nor accept God’s Love, except I first forgive and show love. SO that is the route I chose and will continue to choose today and forevermore.

Peace and blessings be unto you all!