Confession: Hypocrisy

A little while ago, I wrote about walking a mile in another’s shoes, and just recently I’ve had the unwanted pleasure of doing so (from a variety of perspectives). The most recent, when it comes to emotional distress, is what I’ll discuss within this post.

Lately I’ve experienced first hand, how it feels to be frustrated with others, their advice/reprimands, and learning how to accept correction/constructive criticism. About a few years ago, maybe 3,  a friend of mine (we’ll call her Tabitha), was having a difficult time in life. Throughout this time, she decided to confide in a mutual friend of ours (Celeste) and seek help. Yet, shortly after our mutual friend became acquainted with Tabitha’s misgivings and frustrations, Celeste without hesitation did what most do. She offered not just her opinion, but also her judgments, criticisms, and overbearing advice. You know, the kind of advice that not only offers wisdom, but implies that your actions should resemble the same ones the advice giver had taken. Although her intentions were well and genuine, her delivery and lack of discernment made it that much more difficult for Tabitha to receive.

As time went on, Celeste continued on with her mindless bantering. So much so, that it began to weigh down on Tabitha. Eventually Tabitha began avoiding Celeste’s phone calls, foregoing opportunities to hang with her, and many other things. It wasn’t that Tabitha was unappreciative, but she confided in me that she just felt as if her efforts weren’t good enough. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t making any efforts to better her situation; she just wasn’t making them quick enough (in her opinion) for Celeste.

“It’s like she never sees the fact that I’m actually trying. Nor does she see the progress I’ve made so far. Everything with her, just has to be her way or no way; and it’s not even her life’s decisions. I’ve even gotten to the point to where I don’t even ask her for advice. If something is bothering me, I either talk to someone else or no one at all. Crazy, huh, how your very friends can make you feel hopeless.” Tabitha exclaimed.

As I sat and listened, I felt dismayed. But I felt, she needed more than anything to just vent, and get what she was feeling off her chest; so that was all I did. I listened. Later, much-much later, Tabitha told me, that was all she needed that day; and I was content.

Often times we as people, because we either can’t relate, want to help but don’t necessarily know how, or don’t sympathize well, spew off comments on others, give our perspectives, or rant off on how we would have or did handle specific situations. We respond without understanding. We speak before our time. We sometimes just say things to say them instead of simply being comfortable with having nothing to say. We’re all guilty of it, myself definitely included. Even if you think to yourself, “this isn’t my experience,” I can guarantee if you speak with each of those individuals you engage with, at least one of them will confirm this narrative.

It’s quite rare that before offering advice, when situations arise, in which we have prior experience, knowledge of, or strong emotions towards, that we stop to consider the following:

1. Who did we confide in and what their initial reactions were?
2. What advice did that/those individual(s) give, if any?
3. Was the advice practical, good, necessary, wanted, and unbiased?
4. What approach was taken and how’d it make us feel?
5. Was it easily and well received?
6. Was I able to apply that advice to my circumstance and if so how’d it work out?
7. Lastly, presenting this information to others, all questions above considered, how can I better relay said wisdom to another in a manner that will be beneficial?

It is a known fact, that most advise comes from another’s prior encounters. Whether those encounters are that person’s own experience or if he/she learned as someone else experienced it. Naturally, once we experience trials and tribulations in life, and we see those closest to us going through the same or something similar, we readily offer our assistance. BUUUUUTTTT, rarely do we actually stop to consider just how different each individual is and that not all methods will work for each person the exact same.

Am I saying there’s something wrong with sharing wisdom? Am I saying that we should stop offering help? Is giving advice really that bad?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

From a spiritual standpoint, we are encouraged by God, himself to go out and help others. We are encouraged to confide in one another. However, the issue that arises more than most realize is the methods in which this is carried out. As mentors, friends, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, leaders, and associates we must seek to understand people individually. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your experience and the steps you took to overcome those difficulties. There’s nothing wrong with suggesting such advice to others; but it is always important to be very mindful of how we seek to help. Be vigilant in protecting the hearts of those we love. Be a place of refuge, here on earth.

Always reflect on your previous experiences, and those instances made you feel. Be open, be honest, listen, discern what is needed, and execute appropriately for that particular situation. Nothing more, nothing less. Who knows, sometimes you may just need to be still……. Silence is just as important as anything and can be as comforting as the wisest of words.

I leave you with these words from the book of Job. In these times, there was a time for comfort, a time for empathy, and a time for silence. Remain humble, and be the light in which you seek…….

“11 Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. 12 And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. 13 So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great. ” – Job 2: 11 -13.