Confession:

A few years ago, I met Chris. He was such a sweet and kind person, and I was honored to meet such a new friend. Quite honestly, I thought a new friend, apart from my other friends, was well deserved, considering the year I’d been having. I thought to myself, “something new, fresh,” and as I took a deep breathe, “Someone I can be just friends with, who’d only view me as a friend, because without me saying it, he understood MY STANDARD.”  Boy was I ever wrong!!!

One night, I can’t really remember what it was for, but I was studying. I’d left The Valley, and was on my way to the computer lab. Studying was my intention, but when I saw him, sitting there, I’d say, studying was the furthest thing from my mind. Everyone had left, and it was only him and I; ALONE. We sat and talked for hours, cracked jokes, and even threw a few punches, sarcastic ones. I believe we both forgot we were supposed to be doing work, when we talked. Then he asked, “What are you about to do?” and I replied, “Head to the Valley and study a bit more, I have a test tomorrow.” He replied back, “Yeah, I think I’m about to head back over there and study some more also.” Before I knew it, I’d invited him to walk over with me, but I had to make a quick stop to my dorm first, and of course he had to come along. The entire elevator ride, the long walk through the hallway, and even inside my room we talked endlessly. Yet, not for a moment did I believe I’d like him. I only saw friendship.

I’d say it was around 12:00 am, when we arrived to the valley. We talked, laughed, joked, and studied until 5:00 a.m. that morning, until I felt it was time that I depart. Still, that night hadn’t ended until Chris and I hugged one another goodbye on the ride down to the first floor of the Valley. This hug was different though. Normally, when I hug a guy, you know, I’d give him a side hug that lasted a mere .9 tenths of a second, but this time was different. I still hugged him side-ways, however instead of one arm, I wrapped both my arms around him, squeezed, and inhaled the scent of his cologne. He may not have noticed, but as he squeezed my body, I looked up in awe, in a state of intrigue because for the first time in three years, I’d been this close to another guy, whom I hadn’t assumed to be my “brother in Christ,” and I can honestly say, it felt nice.

On my way home, although all of that happened, not once did I consider nor think of the recent events that occurred until a friend made the slight statement “You’d guys make a cute couple!” As he walked by and I was sitting and keeping her company at work. She claimed the way we interacted with one another, was “cute,” whatever that meant.

Initially I didn’t give in and my response was, “girl please! Why’d you say such a thing?” I just had to know, my curiosity had been sparked, and at that moment a fictional relationship between the two of us was created. Her final response was in the lines of the way we looked at each other. She said we’d smile and laugh with one another, and she just knew there was something more there. HOGWASH, right? Well, it could have been, but as I’ve told two of my accountability partners in this ordeal, as my friend planted the seed of there being something more to Chris and I’s relationship, I’d taken the watering can and watered that seed. I also took the plow from the shed and began to break the soil so the seed would have the proper room it needed to break from beneath the surface.

“I wonder, what it’d be like?” was the very first thought that ran across my mind, as I was walking back to my dorm, although certainly not the last. Over the course of days that passed, I’d already began to wonder about how we’d meet up just to talk. I rationalized how I could be with this guy, even though I clearly understood he wasn’t God’s best for me. He was a good guy, but not a God guy. Now don’t misunderstand me in this. I’m not saying there is something wrong with dating a guy, but I am saying there is something wrong with settling for a guy that’s just good enough, knowing the standard God has set before you and confirmation He’s given on such a matter. My no had been clear from God, but I believed I could make it a yes, if I was just good enough and did all the right things. But were they really the right choices for me to make in this instance? My answer would be yes!!! I say that because without choosing such paths I wouldn’t be fully equipped to handle whatever may be coming my way. Did I have to make those choices, definitely not, I could have avoided this whole ordeal, having I’d listened to God’s voice, but His Grace kept me, and used everything for my benefit.

As consequence to my choices, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of quick sand; and quickly I might add. I remember watching for him. I would wonder where he was, and how his day was going. Sometimes I’d even put myself in predicaments, ensuring the probability that I’d run into him, “coincidently” would rise. I remember this one instance where, we’d both left the Café, both heading in opposite directions, yet “somehow” we ended up meeting along the pathway. (As if I hadn’t known, just how that “somehow” occurred). As he reached to hug me, I drank in the sweet and savory scent of his cologne. The feeling felt almost to be good to be true. Then as we let go of each other, our hands seemingly met together in the middle. Honestly, I hadn’t caused it to happen, but I was more than happy it had. But, in an attempt to remain “unattached” I quickly withdrew my hand, knowing all the while, I’d hoped it’d last for just a little while longer. For a brief moment we talked, as we stood there, but for the rest of the day I’d been drawn away to all the beautiful possibilities swarming my mind. Could I have stopped myself at that moment? Yes, but the true question wasn’t that, it was, DID I WANT TO? Absolutely not, therefore I didn’t.

Among the many times and all the crazy encounters we’ve had, the one that sits so deeply is the night, him, a friend of mine, and myself were all sitting in the Valley conversing. We all started off in our own individual seats, but by the end of the night he’d found a way to be sitting right beside me. For weeks, I’d been wrapped up into this fantasy of an “Us” but this particular night was different. I say that because, as we all laughed uncontrollably at one another’s jokes and comic videos, I felt myself withdrawing. Him and I were sitting on the floor as we watched videos, and I could literally see him inching closer and closer to me. You’d think I’d be thrilled, maybe he was showing interest, who knows; but I became uncomfortable. I could literally feel myself battling between what was right and what I wanted. I wanted everything within me to sit beside him, for him to lay his head on my lap, to run my fingers through his hair, but every time he got closer, I moved further apart. It seemed as though he’d move 2 inches in, and felt as though I was moving 10 feet out. Although, that seems like a mighty big exaggeration, it’s what I felt, and I couldn’t understand why.

Day after day, we’d play these little silly games, but the final two straws had to have been, when I noticed my change in behavior and my change in attitude. I was at work, sitting in my boss’s office, doing everything but working, when Chris stopped by. The printer was out of paper, and he’d been trying to print some work. Initially, we just give the residents the paper to refill the machine and continue working; not this time. I wanted to talk, so I walked with him, into the computer lab, refilled the paper, and then I left. Weirdly, one of my supervisors, Jarred, was coming down the hallway, and stopped me to give me some random updates. That’s when Chris came from the computer lab. He wanted to exit through the door I was standing in, and for some reason, I positioned myself to block his path. “Excuse me!” He said, and I pretended not to hear. “Em, excuse me!” He said it again, but this time, with a little more sternness. Yet and still I refused to move. What was I thinking? Before, I got the chance to turn around, I felt his hand grazing my lower back, and following were both feelings of excitement and fear. Quite frankly, all I wanted was for him to wrap both his arms around me and hold me, but somewhere, I’d known it’d all been a big mistake. Seriously, what was I thinking? Had I gone too far? When he finally decided to gently move me out of the way, reality set in, and I remembered I was standing before Jarred, as he starred with intrigue. Almost immediately, I began to rationalize what he’d just witnessed, because single “Christian” girls didn’t behave in such manners. I down played my emotions, to make it seem as if it was nothing as it seemed, although it was. I was flirting, and not subconsciously this time. I was in complete control; I knew exactly what I was doing.

I wanted this to work. It was so refreshing. Then there were times I desired everything to end. It effected every part of me. My emotions were involved. There’d even been occasions where I’d decided, “If God doesn’t want it for me, I’ll do it and ask for forgiveness. He has to forgive me, right?” Other days, I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained. “What about how God feels? Have you ever stopped to consider His feelings?” I was torn, and though God seemed like the easier choice, it’s not always that simple. As I stated earlier, it seemed like, with every encounter with Chris, he’d get closer and closer to my heart, and as he got closer, I drew away 10 feet. In the beginning, I couldn’t understand that feeling to save my life, but now I understand it more than ever. It wasn’t that I was withdrawing from Chris, when I felt this way, it was this simple truth, I was withdrawing from GOD!!

“Whoa, backup, how did this happen?” With every thought, engagement, and every action being transmitted between Chris and I, there went another engagement I was lacking. My communication with Christ began to decline faster, and faster, and faster. I’d made my choice, but it wasn’t the choice I wanted to make. Although I never said it, my actions portrayed otherwise, I’d lost sight of my first love in exchange for an uncertain one. It wasn’t that, God doesn’t desire those things for me, that i desire for myself. It was the idea that my “thoughts,” because that’s all there was, consumed so much of my time. It was clear something was going on, mentally for the both of us, but apart from just random flirting and study/hang out sessions, we hadn’t established anything. I was given over to an idea. It was nice. It was different. It was real without the crazy confinements and restraints. More importantly, it was just ours. No one knew it existed between us, and quite frankly neither did we because we hadn’t blatantly said that there was something. The truth of the matter was that I’d/we’d been living a fantasy.

Again, I repeat there is absolutely nothing wrong, in my perspective, in pursuing a relationship with someone you’re compatible with spiritually or naturally. I find no fault in the act or desire of wanting to seek or obtain companionship from another. In fact, it’s something I still deeply desire to possess one day. However, there does come a time in each of our lives, where we need to evaluate those things in which we seek to fulfill us. We have to rightly divide what’s of reality and what is not. We have to be in a position to listen to our subconscious when it tries to warn us of those little “flags” before we get in too deep. It’s perfectly fine and completely normal for a human’s personal and social experiences to affect them, how they now view things, and how the interact on a daily basis. Yet, it is also imperative to discern how those changes and effects are altering us both positively and negatively.

It is important to grow from every situation life gives to us, but it is just as important to realize what situations yield no growth. There are things, people, and places that we encounter in life that are like dead zones. There’s no life within them and they have little to nothing to offer. Most times, from my personal experience, those dead zones in my life, served as a humbling process. Because there was nothing of any value or true substance there, it stripped me of all my pride, what I believed to be true, and brought me to a place of complete desolation. I often times had nothing, no one, and didn’t have the slightest clue as to how to escape. Yet, the moment I was free; the very instance I began to see life, surrounding me once more, I was able to understand more. I appreciated things a great deal more. I was better having made it through, and most emphatically I was changed.

My advice to you, where relationships, potential somethings, and simple crushes are concerned is to “Know the difference between what’s real and what’s fantasy.” Don’t allow yourself to become so entangled in the possibilities of those new and exciting encounters. Don’t blind yourself from what’s going on around you. Open your eyes and see. Seek to always be aware. Get out of your emotions for just a moment and think. Find the truth in all matters, even if it hurts. Recognize those dead end/dead zones when it comes to potential “companions” and allow it to teach you as it will, but just as soon as your escape has been made known to you, EXIT. Don’t stay too long in a place that can provide you nothing. It may feel good now and even as some significant amount of time has passed but trust me; when it is all said and done, it may hurt just a bit more. Last but not least, don’t lose sight of your first love for an uncertain one. If you can’t enjoy those simple truths about yourself with the one you think you love, and feel comfortable in doing so, then question your position there.