Confession:

As I’ve awakened I’ve become aware of just how damaging sleeping on the job can be. Because things seemed to become to impossible to figure out, and often times a little boring, I’d became lackadaisical. I was no longer excited about the things of God as I once was, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was physically awake, but mentally and spiritually I slumped into a self-induced coma. Everyday brought a new journey, but as I showed up for work, it seemed as tedious as the previous day. There was no action, or so I thought. There was no excitement, and quite frankly my heart longed for something different. As I continued to sleep everything metaphorically went up in flames. Alarms had been ringing, doors crept open that should have remained closed, and thoughts, actions, and old perceptions ran free in my life, where they should have been detained and tossed aside. My actions portrayed signs of retreat, like even though the battle had been won, I still fled the responsibility and ownership of the victory. Yes, I’d surrendered everything at the feet of so many idols. Idols wearing the labels of school, love, friendships, work, church, and ministry. So much took up my time, I was exhausted. I’d entered the tunnel, but there was no light at the end. The darker things became, the more I slept, and the greater my despair. But, this time, it crept deeper inside my soul than just any old thing. I’d become locked away, buried behind the “what-ifs”, “should-haves”, the “maybes” and the “why not’s!”

          My inconsistencies drove me to a place of recognition, however what I began to take notice of wouldn’t help me. I no longer began to see how GOOD GOD WAS, I only noticed the failed opportunities, the lack of finances, and how high my grief had risen. I became ungrateful and self-loathing. The best way I can think to describe it is like this:

          One day, I’d just waken up around 7:30 am, trying to rush and get ready for my 8:00 am class. I rushed to the shower, brushed my teeth, and pulled my hair into a ponytail. Yet, I couldn’t find the slightest thing in my closet to wear. It was 7:50 am and time was running out. By the time I would actually get dressed and make it to class, I’d be late.

“I like the pants, but this shirt isn’t right!” I would say, as I tossed the shirt aside, rummaging through my drawers to find another. “Oh, that’s cute, but these pants are too tight. Maybe I can get away with it!” I’d think again, but then I’d hear the Holy Spirit, unctioning me to change. Annoyed I undressed and quickly tossed the clothing aside, ready to go for my third option.

The clock read 7:59.

“Ugh, where are my tights; I can’t find my tights.” Frustrated I threw my dress down; scrambling to just find anything at this point)

8:00am came and I was out of time.

Once my time elapsed more complaints came. Instead of seeing the fault in my lack of preparation and unwillingness to wake up on time, I questioned everything. I no longer believed what I had was sufficient and said things like, “I don’t have enough clothing, I need to go shopping.” My judgement had become so clouded and my frustrations raged violently within my mind. Out of annoyance I yelled at myself, “This doesn’t make any sense, I just bought clothes, and now I’m too fat to fit them.” The solution was simple, but I couldn’t be bothered to realize it; so I began putting myself down. I criticized my weight, my skin, my hair, and just about anything that affirmed why what I had just didn’t fit. (Yes, that escalated and spiraled out of control very quickly).

          I never realized, it was laundry time, I only noticed what I didn’t have. Everything seemed to go wrong. I was late for class and I had to settle on an outfit I didn’t even like. What luck, right?

My entire day had been altered by the morning’s events, and I just couldn’t get over it. It consumed my thoughts that entire day. How I interacted with others was affected. My attitude was beyond intolerable and other people noticed. One person even said to me, “Em, whatever it is, it’ll be okay. Dang, don’t become somebody you’re not.” (and they didn’t even know what was wrong).

After all my classes were done, and work was over, I went home. When I’m frustrated I tend to clean, so I began cleaning my home. A few hours passed, and I’d scrubbed the bathroom, kitchen, and living room until I was satisfied. Suddenly the thought “Maybe I should just wash,” came. What relief, because the moment I began to separate my clothes to do the laundry, I quickly noticed how much I really did have. All the complaining I had done earlier that day, caused me to devalue myself and settle for something I wasn’t fond of, all because of two simple and fixable complications:

1. My poor time management skills

2. My inability to see the solution staring me in the face.

But what does this have to do with anything? The answer is simple. It has everything to do with why I and so many others walk around spiritually sleeping, while there’s work to be done. We don’t give God the time He requires, nor the attention He deserves. And in that state of being, lackadaisical behaviors, ungratefulness, self-loathing, lack of self-worth, and so much more becomes our reaction.

          I believe that when we don’t allot ourselves the proper time, with God, that a true relationship requires, our vision can get cloudy. Not because the vision has become unclear, but because we’ve begun to look at life through the wrong set of eyes. And in this area, I lacked consistency, commitment, and passion. Not only did I create problems that weren’t there, but I allowed my own disposition to affect my relations/interactions with others. It wasn’t until I returned to my home, tidied the mess I created, and shifted my focus that I was able to see what was there in the first place. So my advice to you is, never lose sight of who YOUR GOD, OUR GOD IS because of what we can/can’t feel, what we do/don’t see, or what we should/shouldn’t have. Remain consistent, faithful, and intimate with God no matter how it feels or what comes along. It’s working for your good!!!!!

Proverbs 3:3-8 “Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: ⁴So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man. ⁵Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. ⁶In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ⁷Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. ⁸It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.”